35. Why Her "Failed" VBACs Were Actually God's Perfect Plan: A Story of Unexpected Grace

In this episode, I'm chatting with Kayla, a mama of two under two, who shares how God used her two unplanned cesareans to deepen her trust in Him as a good Father—transforming what could have been crushing disappointment into a powerful testimony of His faithfulness.

Kayla's story is proof that when we trust ourselves less and trust the Lord more, He can work through any circumstance for His glory. After planning for a home birth with her first baby and ending up with 36+ hours of unmedicated labor followed by a cesarean, she found herself wrestling with grief, embarrassment, and anger. But God met her in that dark place and began teaching her what it really means to surrender control.

Whether you're processing an unexpected cesarean, preparing for a VBAC attempt, or simply need encouragement that God is sovereign over your birth story—even when it doesn't go according to plan—this episode will minister deeply to your heart.

In this episode, Kayla shares: 

🌸 How she prepared meticulously for a home birth, only to transfer to the hospital at 41 weeks 

✝️ Why she chose Scripture over hypnobirthing to prepare her heart for labor 

👶 The emotional journey of grieving her "ideal" birth while celebrating a healthy baby 

🙏 How her prayer shifted from "give me a VBAC" to "Lord, I want You to be glorified" 

💪 What it was like attempting a VBAC after two car accidents and debilitating SI joint pain 

✨ The profound spiritual growth that came through two births that "failed" by worldly standards

Scripture Shared: 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." – Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)

Mentioned in this episode: 

✨ Christian Mama Birth Prep Library - Free birth prep tools, worship playlists & more

✝️ Online Christian Childbirth Education - Explore my complete birth preparation self-paced course

📞 Free 15-Minute Discovery Call: Schedule your no-obligation consultation with me today! I would LOVE to connect with you.

🎴 NEW Christian Birth Affirmation Cards: You can now purchase them here

If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend.

Let's keep choosing faith over fear, one birth story at a time. Go here for the full blog post, show notes, and all resources mentioned!

Transcript

Natalie Portman: 0:45

Hey friend, and welcome back to the podcast. I am so excited about today's conversation because we're going to hear from a mama who has an especially powerful testimony. Today I'm chatting with Kayla, a mama of two under two, who is here to share how God used her two unplanned cesarean to deepen her trust in him as a good father. What I absolutely love about Kayla's story is how she has allowed the Holy Spirit to transform what could have been disappointment into something that truly glorified the Lord. She is living proof that when we trust ourselves less and trust the Lord more, he can work through any circumstance for his glory. I had the incredible privilege of being Kayla's doula for both Flora and John's births, and I've been especially excited to have her come on to share her birth stories because her stories are so powerful and relevant for any mama walking through unexpected birth outcomes. So, Kayla, welcome to the podcast.

Kayla: 1:47

Thanks for having me.

Natalie Portman: 1:48

Of course. Well, let's roll right into your first pregnancy and birth experience with Flora.

Kayla: 1:57

Okay, so we were open to getting pregnant. We were a little over a year into our marriage, my husband and I, and we bought a house in February and we're like, okay, we can maybe start trying and then like immediately we got so, that kick started the journey of trying to figure out what kind of birth we wanted. I don't know if any of the other millennials understand, but the baby story on TLC, I used to grow up watching that, so I was like, I got it. Like I've been thinking about this since I was six and I want the home birth, I want all the things. So I was getting regular prenatal care through an OB office and, It was kind of confirming that I did not wanna have a baby in the hospital. just how sterile it felt. It wasn't personal. It was kind of in and out. And with it being my first pregnancy, like I didn't know what questions to ask. And so I felt like I wasn't very well supported. Which. me to looking into birth centers, but I didn't get into a birth center and then I pursued a home birth option because I knew it was a more costly option. And so I wanted to like, go through the different channels to just make sure we're a wise financial decision as well. But having a doula was something I looked into pretty early on, so that someone, no matter what setting I was in, was gonna be with me. Also educate me and also provide the questions to ask that I didn't know to ask. And so I thought that was invaluable. And our first conversation, I mean, we hit it off immediately and I was like, okay, like I have one piece that hopefully is gonna stay very consistent. And so I think just with my personality, I'm very. the oldest child of a pretty big family. I'm like the family manager. So like, I like to organize, I like to have everything aligned. So I was like, okay, we have the doula in place, we have the midwife in place, we have this, we have that. I wanted everything to happen the way I wanted it to happen. Because I felt like if I had control. Then I could control the outcome. And I was quickly reminded that that is not how this works in such a loving and gracious way. So, overall pregnancy, I didn't have very much sickness. I was working out, I was running, I was doing all the things because I thought these are, the formula. To get what we wanted. I was seeing the OB until I was 20 weeks. At 20 weeks I transitioned to home birth midwife It was exactly what I wanted. the appointments were no longer five minutes, but it was an hour and she was just educating me and walking with me and praying with me and all these things that I really wanted. and didn't quite know if it was possible. so that was very encouraging. And so I started having. A long bout of prodromal labor, false labor, whatever name you wanna put on it. It wasn't real, so well, it wasn't like the progressing stronger intensity contractions. And so that was a emotionally difficult time because. I'm looking up all these YouTube videos and I'm like, okay, what do contractions feel like? I think this is it. And I kept hearing like, oh, when it's real, you'll know. And I'm like, but how do I know? Like it was just, it seemed so vague, but so specific. that was frustrating and. Trying to understand and then full transparency. I was very upset with my daughter I was like, what is going on? She was in the right position. She wouldn't descend. I was doing the miles circuit. I was doing curb walking to the point where my hips were sore. I was going to the chiropractor, the acupuncture. I was doing all the things. And it was like with each day, with each. False labor. I was realizing I don't control anything, I didn't realize how much I would need the emotional support. Like my parents, my sisters, my friends, Because I'm really hard exterior, so I'm like, I'll be there for everybody, but, I'm fine. But I really did need the people around me to be emotional support. and knowing that it wasn't an embarrassment. because, I didn't know if it was labor or not. And so that was something I struggled with. And yeah, so getting to, I think we were weeks and I had my midwife come over she checked my blood pressure. I had been having on and off contractions all day. I were getting more intense but not closer together. And she checked my blood pressure and it was elevated but not high enough to treat, but it was high enough to where I would have to go to the hospital she would have to get approval to continue care. But we both knew with me being 41 weeks and going to a hospital, they're gonna induce me. and so we went into the hospital and the whole, evening, finding out where we had to go, it, it was something, some autopilot that kicked in, which I contribute to the Holy Spirit 100%. My husband and myself, like, it was like, okay, it's, it's go time. We did not plan for a hospital, but we had no bags packed. We didn't think through it because I was shooing away. Any thoughts of having to have a hospital birth?'cause I was just like, I'm not even gonna entertain the idea. But the Lord is so gracious and just equipped us immediately in that moment and we called you and, well I think actually the midwife called you'cause you all are both pretty close. And was not having to do that, communicating. Yeah, so we just went into kind of like a autopilot and packed up really quickly and my sister-in-law was here and she alerted everyone else and we had some family meetings at the hospital. And my midwife at the time, she was, had just finished being part-time on the birth floor at Memorial Hospital. And so she was able to figure out what doctor was on call. To have a nurse get a room ready, and all those things, which was just, again, so gracious of God to, to allow for us to have even like, access to that kind of information and preparation. so we went in at 41. And one. and then I was induced. they started me on, I think it starts with a C but my cervix was not ripe at all So they started me on that to ripen my cervix Around three o'clock or so, I guess that morning my water broke but my cervix still wasn't ripened, so that kind of started a clock for us because they didn't want my water to be broken for an extended amount of time. And so yeah, we did the. Cervadil. And then once my water broke, they started me immediately on Pitocin. And it was a high dose, they went up very, very quickly. And I had no epidural. It was extremely painful but I was determined. I was like. I'm not taking an epidural, like I'm fine. And so I did that for 36 hours. No progression, no dilation nothing like that. And so again, because we were on a clock decided to ahead with the C-section because my water had been broken, I think actually for 48 hours at that point. And so, you know, for protection of flora, they wanted to make sure she wasn't exposed to any infections or things like that. So a lot was happening throughout that whole time. But strictly remember like the hospital when they came in the room and they said, this was the decision, I was like, okay. I asked for the room with my husband. we just looked at each other and we're like, okay, this is what it's gonna be. Every moment is a moment closer to meeting our daughter. We prayed and we were like, okay, this is, this is what we're gonna do. This is what we in the room. This is we wanna go about things. Because hospital birth was not on my mind, c-section was even further, so I didn't even know. What to ask, to do, what to like process through, which again, was just helpful having you there. so yeah, we did the c-section and one thing I was hearing and was a little concerned about is her being able to latch us not having the whole like straight from the birth, lay on the chest, like that whole experience. Also half of my body being numb. But again, God was so gracious, she latched right away. And was beautiful.'Cause breastfeeding was another that was really important to me. Was like, Lord, end of the birthday, go my way, but please let, let me be able to breastfeed. And it had its challenges, but she got the milk she needed and so. After that home the next day after the C-section because I was very adamant that I wanted to be home and I spent way longer than I wanted to in the hospital. And I will say once I got home and kind of the dust settled, I realized how sad I was and I didn't know if I was allowed to be,'cause I have a healthy baby girl. So, you know, and that's something you helped me work through, like it's okay to grieve the plan you had. and so after like letting that happen and I realized like. Just the disappointment, the embarrassment I felt the anger I felt with, like, I didn't want all these interventions. I got all the interventions I tried to do things the right way. I tried to the natural way, the way the Lord intended, and none of that happened. And in facing all of those emotions. And addressing them. I realized like one, how gracious God is and how many, even throughout that very stressful experience, there are key moments that I can recall where I was like, I wasn't alone and like the sovereign God who raises the sun and the moon every single day. knew that all of this would happen and knew it would draw me deeper into his arms. And so I was learning to take joy in that and kind of trading those sorrows for joy in a very real way. And my daughter is just, she loves to laugh. She loves to smile since the very beginning, she's just very bubbly. And it was just a very. beautiful experience and that first pregnancy showed me my emotional limit that I didn't know was there. It, like I was certainly at the end of myself emotionally. And just seeing God graciously pick up those pieces with him being the foundation was really beautiful. So yeah, I I wanted another child but didn't originally want it as soon as what ended up happening, when my daughter was 10 months old in October, I found out I was pregnant again. And it's just, it was way it happened. We like prayed with my daughter every night, my husband and I, and as I'm praying, I was like, huh, it's October 31st. I'm like, wait, something hasn't come yet. So I put her to bed. I went in the room, I took a test and I was like, huh. And so we found out we were pregnant with my son it wasn't the timing we thought. Because one thing for me was I wanted to make sure that I was in that window to be able to have a vbac, which our gracious father again I was right at the window, like 18 months, when I would have him, that I would be kind of in that cleared window. And so I knew I wanted to for a VBAC, but I knew More deeply, and I wanted to trust him more than I did the first time. Because I think that's where I was really humbled the first time because I was all talk and hardly any action,

Natalie Portman: 14:47

I wanna correct something about that it's not that you were all talk and you couldn't deliver, it's that you stewarded to the best of your ability. All the things that you had, you took care of yourself the best that you could have, but that was just simply not what the Lord had for you. You know, so it wasn't a matter of like you weren't strong enough or there was some insufficiency that you couldn't muster because that's not what it was. The fact that you labored for 36 plus hours unmedicated, it's not a sign of your weakness. It was that the Lord only gives us the things that he has for us. No one can take away the things that he had for us, but he also, we can't take what's not ours to have either, which is really hard, you know, especially when, when there is like a deep desire in your heart for something. For some, it's just having children at all, being able to get pregnant at all. It's for others. Just not being able to have the birth that you have planned or, you know what I mean? But, your sufficiency or insufficiency is not what's at play here. It's whatever the Lord had for you. And I think that because I know, how the story ends with John even. But your story, what the Lord had for your testimony is so powerful, not because you mustard in and of yourself enough strength, enough of the right things to do. To have an outcome that you wanted, but that the Lord was glorified in the outcome that you had not planned for. That's the power and the beauty of, your story, in my eyes at least, you know.

Kayla: 16:37

No, I appreciate that. it's something, again, with me being four months postpartum from the second, it's, it's something I'm still like, kind of mulling over. And I don't know how long it typically takes, but I think a lot of the emotions were exacerbated by the second. And so yeah, I'm, there's still layers of this. Beautiful, complicated onion that I'm peeling back. but yeah, so October, I found out I was pregnant with my son. And again, my goal was trust god more than the first time. Which is a daily thing. It's a sanctifying work each day, which where it's called to trust them more. I will say this time around, whereas with Flora, I was like at my emotional limit. I think this pregnancy I was at my physical limit'cause taking care of a toddler I got into a car accident around 15 weeks, which affected my shoulder, thankfully, not more. Around the second trimester, I had this onset of bad hip pain, which I later found out was SI joint pain. to go to physical therapy, was going to the chiropractor, wasn't able to walk. I was in a wheelchair, wheeling around the house. I was just like, what is all of this? I don't, recall reading this in a book that this si joint pain was a common thing with pregnancy. And so yeah, having the first pregnancy, be as smooth as it was physically, just was. I completely bombarded with physical things that I had going on. so I decided to go to a of the only practices that I could see was VBAC friendly. and I started care there. I think I. I asked you,'cause I think you were one of the first people I called. I was like, okay, we're doing this again. And yeah, you recommended full circle to me. So I started care there and it was more personal and things like that. Started care around eight weeks. Got into the car accident and then joint pain. and then I out group, group strep B, towards the end that, that was positive. So I was like, okay, all of these things are happening. And because I was so physically limited, especially to at the end of my pregnancy, some of the exercises and things that might help spur on labor and stuff like the curb walking and stuff, I had to be extra careful because I still have a child to take care of. And she was one had just. So yeah, so she's, you know, still getting walking down and can't walk everywhere and picking her up, putting her in and outta the car and stuff like that. So it's just a lot physically. Oh I wanna back up. Hypnobirthing was something that I had been hearing as I'm listening to other stories and stuff, was something that seemed to be very helpful for some moms, especially those that are attempting vaginal birth after Cesarean vbac. And for me personally, as I was looking into it, and just knowing the way my brain is set up and personal struggles that I have it was resembling for me too much to like a manifestation mindset, and I knew that was something I had to guard my heart against because then I would become married to an outcome and I had to be committed to trusting God because he knows the outcome. And really getting comfortable in knowing that, I don't know, but knowing who does know and just growing my trust in him. And so I opted to rely less on the, my body can do this or like those kinds of things about myself. I had to focus on the things that are true about God. And I think that's what carried me through in my mind. Philippians four eight was a big verse that God was allowing me to call to remembrance pretty often during the. What, two, three week labor, like on and off.'cause I had prodromal labor again. But thinking on whatever things are true and excellent and worthy of praise, like thinking on those things. And then also Isaiah 55, 8 9 which essentially is. My thoughts are not your thoughts, your ways are not my ways, but as high as the heavens are above the earth so are his thoughts higher than our thoughts and his ways, higher than our ways. And so I clung to those verses and other several verses, and just knowing that like I wanted to have a vaginal birth, but. The success or failure wasn't in that necessarily,

Natalie Portman: 21:56

Yeah, so I do wanna touch on Hypnobirthing for a second, and not that my opinion matters a ton'cause I don't really think it does, but just my thoughts on it as a Christian and I feel like there is something spiritually, truly iffy gray Hypnobirth. A lot of what I know about Hypnobirth. is all about training your mind to get into a very specific mindset, that essentially kind of numbs you from reality to be able to cope with pain. and I don't know, like just some, somewhere in my heart and in my mind that feels like that is. Not exactly hitting the mark when it comes

Kayla: 22:42

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 22:44

suffering and pain in this

Kayla: 22:46

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 22:47

I think there's a lie out there that evidence of a blessed or evidence of a very favorable or ideal birth is a birth that is pain-free. To me that is anti-gospel.

Kayla: 23:03

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 23:04

you think about Jesus who was perfectly always in the will of his father, and yet he endured every suffering and endured the

Kayla: 23:14

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 23:15

Suffering. So I think when place mindset or this standard for our birth experiences as the ideal is a pain-free birth because it means I have enough faith. Like again, kind of like what I was touching

Kayla: 23:30

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 23:30

like you feeling like you didn't. Have what it took or some, something to that, like kind of that mindset where that's

Kayla: 23:39

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 23:40

where I feel like the Lord is pleased with us. that's not

Kayla: 23:43

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 23:44

in bringing us through a trial, is for us to feel like it's up to us to muster up enough, strength to get

Kayla: 23:52

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 23:54

not

Kayla: 23:54

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 23:55

And so for me as a Christian, even like thinking about hypnosis and kind of the history of that is,

Kayla: 24:02

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 24:05

suspect

Kayla: 24:06

Yes.

Natalie Portman: 24:07

And so again, I'm not saying that if you experienced a hypnobirth that it was new agey or something like that, I don't know exactly how I feel about what the Lord feels about this'cause I'm not the Lord, as a believer, there's something about

Kayla: 24:23

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 24:23

that anytime I have a client that's pursuing it, I tend to want to ask these questions like, Why are you pursuing that as a coping strategy? Now, again, not that it's 100% wrong all the time, but I just like to kind

Kayla: 24:37

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 24:38

that. Because it is just fascinating to me

Kayla: 24:40

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 24:41

and why we avoid pain.

Kayla: 24:43

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 24:44

can of course take it too far. Like, I don't think that the Lord's like, ha ha ha, I'm so excited for you to suffer. Like that's, that is

Kayla: 24:52

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 24:52

his heart.

Kayla: 24:53

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 24:53

given us tools to be able to cope and manage and

Kayla: 24:57

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 24:57

to others, to clinging

Kayla: 24:59

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 24:59

ultimately.

Kayla: 25:00

Yes.

Natalie Portman: 25:01

there, right?

Kayla: 25:02

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 25:03

So, yeah, I just wanted to kind of interject just

Kayla: 25:05

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 25:06

that it matters much, but just in case someone else is also kind of through the possibility of

Kayla: 25:13

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 25:14

Hypnobirth as, as a possibility for their upcoming birth or they're just kind of wrestling with the Lord about it.

Kayla: 25:21

Yeah,

Natalie Portman: 25:21

interesting topic in the birth space to kind of

Kayla: 25:25

it is.

Natalie Portman: 25:26

of a believer.

Kayla: 25:28

And I wish there was more conversations about it'cause I did find like some Christian hypnobirthing sites and I actually joined a course and, and did all that, but I just couldn't reconcile in my mind saying all these things to try to. Frame my brain for a certain outcome.'cause I just knew for me, I would, I would make it a binary, I would make it a success or failure. Like I didn't morph my mind enough. I didn't meditate on the words enough, and I just knew that couldn't be where my sights were set. For the good of anyone, and I just know, again, I couldn't be married to the outcome. And so yeah, so I, I could, I wasn't able to be fully convinced that Hypnobirthing was for me. And I don't think it was the way that I could have glorified God the most in my, in my labor and birth and pregnancy. And so I, I stayed away from that and stayed closer to the scriptures'cause it's alive and active and it's good enough for me. And So once you hit 40 weeks, typically within a OB setting, you go more frequently, like two times a week. And then they also do this thing called stress test, which I asked you about was like, what is this? Like, is he stressed? Why do I, like, do I need to run on a treadmill or something? Like,'cause that's what my brain goes to anyways. And so they were monitoring him once I was 41 weeks I went in and they couldn't get a continuous heartbeat. So I was sitting there for 45 minutes. My daughter and husband are in the lobby, and I'm just like, she's getting restless. I'm like, I'm 41 weeks pregnant, so I'm tired. And so they said, we're gonna send you to the hospital. Now I wanna go back a little bit before I think at. 39 weeks. I thought I was in active labor. Went to the hospital. It was a Sunday and turns out I wasn't. And then I think again at 40 weeks maybe give or take a day. I went to the hospital again, which I was very hesitant to do'cause I was like, at this point I would rather my water break before I go in to do anything because. I just would like to be very sure that this is active labor. And so I was like, I'd rather just wait till the water breaks to do anything. But I had to think about my son and to ensure that he was okay. Because it, the first time it was that I went to the hospital, I didn't really feel his movements. And I called the OB office and they were like, you need to go to the hospital. So both times that we went in there they gave us offers to induce and that was something I had to wrestle with because I knew if I induced. It could lower the chances of being able to have vaginal birth because you're having, more interventions instead of letting your body kind of just naturally do what it needs to do for birth, for like dilation and stuff like that. So we chose to go home each time. So fast forward, we're at 41. Weeks and they said, okay, we gotta send you to the hospital because things aren't, they're not tracking. We get in there, of course they put the monitor on me and he's totally fine. they're getting continuous, all these things. And so I was like, okay, I'm going home. so we had set an induction date at 41 weeks in five days. So at 41 and three that night I ended up going into the hospital. We went home, we got sushi'cause I wanted sushi. I started having more contractions and they were kind of picking up in intensity Very strong, very consistent and getting gradually closer together. And while we were in the hospital earlier that day, you were there for another birth and ended up coming by talking us through it, and you were like, you know, we're gonna go home. So you had um, that night the person covering for you happened to live. three minutes away from me. it was like 10 o'clock at night. She came over, my sisters came over, they helped me labor which was just something really beautiful. Because with my daughter, I don't think I ever reached active labor, or at the very least not at home. And so having that physical support. From my husband. My sister is like the backup doula, even though I had never met her, she was just so kind, so sweet. And like she knew how to, she was very disarming but also very caring, which yeah, it was just truly a gift. To have the stranger come in and just support in such a way to where you feel safe. So, yeah. We labored and she also made me feel like I wasn't crazy, which was very validating. And we went into the hospital that night and I wasn't very dilated. They weren't able to do the membrane sweep because I wasn't dilated enough. however, they did do the Foley bulb,. to help dilate,'cause my cervix, I think I was 80% of face. So like it was thinning. But I wasn't dilating, so that helped to dilate me. It's a 24 hour process once they put the Foley bulb in. And then after that I was three centimeters dilated. And then they started me on a low dose of Pitocin. The doctor was amazing. She was very patient with me. Whereas with the first birth, they were kind of just in and out. I felt a little rushed. Whereas here she said, Hey, we'll labor as long as you want. Like as long as it's safe to labor, we will labor as long as we need to. And so that was very disarming. But the whole time me and my husband were like, our goal is trust the Lord. Walk outta here with a baby how it happens. We will see the Lord is good and sovereign. And yeah. So I got to three centimeters. With the Foley bulb. With the Pitocin. I was able to get to seven eventually. But that was 48 hours later, I wanna say almost four, eight hours. I had not slept, I had hardly eaten. Again, I was at my physical limits. I wasn't so much like I was so drained. I couldn't respond to the contractions anymore. I had nothing to give, not a tear to cry, not a. A moan to groan. Like I, I just had to, like, I could only just stare into space and that's a very scary place to be. And so after prayer and conversations we did decide to do the epidural because again, I was on e even probably below the E point. And so I was humbled and'cause I was very adamant that I didn't want pain medications, but again, for the sake of my child and to actually give an, an effort like to give an honest effort, it looked like me trying to do the epidural so I could keep going. And I think we may have gotten one more centimeter. However, he had not engaged fully into the pelvis. And so Midnight or so, the doctor comes in. Now I'm on continuous monitoring because with VBACs you have to be. But she said he's not responding well. It's not an emergency C-section, but we're gonna need to get him outta there soon. And so I was like, okay, I knew this was a possibility. God is still good. I'm gonna meet my son. And so we went into there and having you there this time was really helpful because you helped to like. Get as close of our preferences as possible. Like this time we were able to have the light dim and my husband got'em. And all those things that I really valued we were able to, to get at least closer to that. And again, my son was able to latch, which was very beautiful and very thankful for that. He's been nursing fine. So yeah, so we went home the next day again'cause I wanted to be home and I knew it was possible. So four months post. I will say again, the first birth, it was an emotional journey. This one's a physical one, so you know, two c-sections in a child and a toddler, like physically I'm gaining my strength. Both pregnancies, I've grown spiritually in ways that I couldn't have even imagined. And God promises that our suffering builds our endurance, and it's a blessing to be able to suffer along with Christ. And also knowing that even in my greatest suffering, he suffered way more for. And I don't deserve it. None of us do. So it just reminded me and humbled me so much of his love and just makes me all the more gracious. I still have moments where I hear another story or I see someone else have a successful vbac and It's not as difficult as time goes by, but sometimes it's like, I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a child vaginally. But I just try to focus on the here and the now and celebrate with those who are able to, but also understand that God is so big and so gracious that he can work and move through any story and work it all for his glory. I think we see that very clearly throughout scripture where things could have been easier but God chooses to work through our limits and it points all the more to him.

Natalie Portman: 35:56

There was some something that me. In such a

Kayla: 36:00

I.

Natalie Portman: 36:01

Way when we did the postpartum visit, and I can't remember if I asked you or if you just brought it up, but you said something to the effect of when we prayed preparing for this birth, I wasn't praying, give me a vback. Your

Kayla: 36:20

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 36:21

was, Lord, I wanna get closer to you and I want you to be glorified in this birth experience. And chills came over my body and I got really emotional because the Lord through blessing and breaking draws us closer to himself. And in your story it

Kayla: 36:39

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 36:40

which sucks. Like for you, it sucks that's how he brought it on, but what a gift that he orchestrated the circumstances of Flora and John's birth so that you would know his heart, that you would know

Kayla: 36:56

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 36:56

you, that he would know your value as a daughter of the most High King, and what a gift that is.

Kayla: 37:06

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 37:06

in your heart, not look at my circumstance and look how I perfectly prepared.'cause you did, you Kayla, out of all of my clients, think are one of the most prepared clients. But the thing that prepared you most was the heart work. Not the hard work, but the

Kayla: 37:28

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 37:29

seeking the Lord and

Kayla: 37:31

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 37:32

His wisdom and his voice in the circumstances of your pregnancies and of your labors, and of your birth, and of your postpartum. So to me, that is why when I think about your stories, it blesses me continually, Kayla, like it really does. It brings me to such a place of humility. Because we're like opposites in our birth stories. My birth stories are like very straightforward, all the things. And the Lord brought so many blessings from that showed me his heart in that. But then to see two birth experiences that did not go quote unquote according to plan, but the Lord still came through and he showed you himself and he showed you his love for you and his goodness

Kayla: 38:18

yeah.

Natalie Portman: 38:19

and his provision like that is so powerful and so that's why I was so excited for you to come and share your stories because your heart is so. beautiful. Just the ways that you have intentionally taken the circumstances of your life and you don't. them for your glory. You're not prideful, you're not also over here like woe is me'cause of my circumstances. Like you truly do. You say, Lord, whatever you have for me. I will take it because I know you're good. And so that has been something that has just been such a blessing to my heart and let me turn to the Lord and just glorify him because of your story.

Kayla: 39:02

Praise God.

Natalie Portman: 39:03

I think,

Kayla: 39:04

Thank you.

Natalie Portman: 39:05

And a message we all need to hear because I think we all can

Kayla: 39:08

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 39:09

Into performance. Okay, I'm gonna do all the right steps. And that will guarantee the outcome that I want, but that is not what the Lord does with us.

Kayla: 39:19

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 39:20

do, for the most part, come to fruition. But for most of us, and for the lifespan of your entire life, not just particularly birth it does not go the way.

Kayla: 39:31

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 39:31

you want. And so

Kayla: 39:33

Right?

Natalie Portman: 39:34

How do you reconcile that when the circumstances of your life don't meet the expectation that you had? Is it to turn away from him and say like, how dare you let this happen to me, like that kind of mindset. And so we're

Kayla: 39:46

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 39:47

to that,

Kayla: 39:47

oh yeah, yeah. Prone to wonder, like'cause it goes on to say like, Lord, take my heart and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above, I believe it says, and I was like, I need you and I need you to do all the things.'cause I can't. My life is evidence that I fumble it every time. And you don't ask me to have it all together. You don't ask me to do it perfectly. You, command us within your word to trust you. And again, he's provided so many examples within scripture, within my own life, within those around me of. This constant resounding of trust me and love me, trust me and love me. And the blessing and humility that happens when we do that, incredible. And I attribute it a lot to my husband as well because he's one of the most humble, like go with the wind. But also very firm in his theology. Like I attributed a lot to just being married to him and I knew that no matter what we walked into, he was gonna be firm. And so I was like, okay, we're, we're good. Like the Lord has put me in his hands. we're all gonna be okay. And that doesn't mean the emotions don't come in waves and and go, but I'm firmly footed because of him, because he is holding me firm

Natalie Portman: 41:14

And yeah, like having Zach be such a rock for you spiritually, like he really is head of your home. And and that's evident too in your birth didn't get to

Kayla: 41:24

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 41:24

about like Zach's role, but you know, every time. I was a part of your birth experiences, that was evident to me as well, which is also like the Lord has structured families and just having that

Kayla: 41:37

Yes.

Natalie Portman: 41:38

encouragement that your

Kayla: 41:41

absolutely.

Natalie Portman: 41:41

mean, means the world. Right? And um, and I love what you said about love and trust going hand in hand so that not only. Holds true with like you, with your husband, but especially you with the Lord. When the

Kayla: 41:56

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 41:56

easier to trust him. And when you trust him. it's love him.

Kayla: 42:00

Oh yeah.

Natalie Portman: 42:01

so just getting that dynamic of, um. being able to look at your circumstances and saying like, Lord, you didn't have this happen to me'cause you were punishing me. You did not have this happen to me because I didn't do something right. the good, the bad, the ugly, the confusing, the disappointing, all of it. Is for our good And for his glory. And when we get

Kayla: 42:28

Yes.

Natalie Portman: 42:29

the things that happen to us in that light, again allows us to turn out from ourselves away from ourselves and

Kayla: 42:38

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 42:39

this

Kayla: 42:39

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 42:40

But like, Lord, this really is all about you. Like life

Kayla: 42:46

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 42:46

about you. And. I, just,

Kayla: 42:50

yeah.

Natalie Portman: 42:50

love you. I am so unbelievably proud to know you and to have been a part of your birth experiences. Thank you so, so much for coming on here and just sharing your heart, sharing your story, because I think it's, it's really hear it come

Kayla: 43:06

Mm-hmm.

Natalie Portman: 43:06

right? somebody who's really walked through that. I think, in some ways I feel like. Who am I to say like, oh, the Lord is so good in birth. Okay, I had really relatively easy birth experiences, you know, especially from what I saw you go through and what I know, I went through, so to hear it from you and from

Kayla: 43:25

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 43:26

just speaks again to just the goodness of God.

Kayla: 43:31

Yeah. And even though our birth stories are different, like it's the same God who was glorified in it and you've been encouragement to me and you know, throughout the birth, even though you didn't have, you know, the caesarean or the longer. Labors like God still allowed you to be used to encourage me. And so it just speaks to like just the power of his Holy Spirit working And moving in all of us. And he doesn't just work in individual stories, but he works in the story together and it's kind of woven in all, to glorify himself. Um, what an amazing God he is.

Natalie Portman: 44:09

Yeah, that's exactly it. Like he designed us to walk through this life with other people, with other believers, with sisters in Christ to encourage and to love us You are in a, place of needing that, that help and encouragement? Well, I likely have already come out of a season similar to that, or the Lord has brought me through some stuff We all each other to, to, get through this. But thank you so Kayla. I am so happy you came on to share your stories.

Kayla: 44:39

Absolutely.