30. Back Labor, Big Baby, and Believing A Good God: Caroline's Birth Stories

In this episode, I'm joined by Caroline, a nurse who brings a unique perspective from caring for critically ill postpartum patients to experiencing her own two drastically different births. She openly shares how back labor, a 9-pound baby, and nearly 5 hours of pushing challenged everything she thought she knew about birth—and how God remained faithful through it all.

Caroline's journey took unexpected turns: from foster parenting to biological motherhood, from an epidural birth with every complication to a fast unmedicated birth, from postpartum joy to postpartum anxiety and grief. Through losing a close friend just months after Noah's birth, she discovered what it truly means to have God as her shepherd through the darkest valleys.

Whether you're facing back labor fears, processing a birth that didn't go as planned, or walking through postpartum struggles while clinging to faith—Caroline's raw honesty and trust in God's goodness will encourage your heart.

In this episode, we discuss: 

🌸 How being a nurse affected her birth anxiety and preparation 

👶 Navigating back labor, sunny-side-up positioning, and compound presentation 

✝️ The difference between holding tightly vs. loosely to birth plans

💔 Processing grief and loss during postpartum while caring for two under two 

🎶 Using worship music and scripture to cope through labor's intensity 

⭐ Finding God's shepherding presence in both mountain-top and valley experiences

Scripture Shared: 

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." 

– Psalm 119:50 (ESV)

Mentioned in this episode: 

✨ Christian Mama Birth Prep Library - Free birth prep tools, worship playlists & more

✝️ Online Christian Childbirth Education - Explore my complete birth preparation self-paced course

💛 Work with Me 1:1 - Personalized pregnancy and birth support that integrates faith and evidence-based care, including virtual coaching, doula support, and comprehensive childbirth education

📞 Free 15-Minute Discovery Call: Schedule your no-obligation consultation with me today! I would LOVE to connect with you.

If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend.

Let's keep choosing faith over fear, one birth story at a time. Go here for the full blog post, show notes, and all resources mentioned!

Transcript

Natalie: 0:45

Hey there, mama. Just wanted to give you a heads up about this episode. We had a little bit of audio issues and so the audio kind of changes a little bit towards the end of the interview and it might be a little bit softer than the normal episode, so I apologize about that, but I just didn't want it to become distracting, because this is a great birth story you're about to hear. So let's get into the interview. Today, I am so excited to welcome Caroline, to the Faith Over Fear Podcast. Caroline is a nurse who brings such a unique perspective to our conversation. She's cared for mothers experiencing critical birth complications in the hospital, and now she's navigating her own journey as a mama of two under two. She's here to share openly about her drastically different birth experiences, her journey with postpartum anxiety, and how God has been teaching her to trust him through both the green pastures and the dark valleys of motherhood. Caroline, welcome to the podcast.

Caroline: 1:46

Thank you for having me.

Natalie: 1:48

I am so happy you're here. I was your doula for both birth experiences, but let's start with your first birth experience ever. this is Abigail's birth. What was it like? Initially even becoming pregnant that first time.

Caroline: 2:03

by God's grace, we were able to, conceive pretty quickly. we had an interesting journey with that, with, starting out being foster parents and, we just felt a call to dive into being. A parent of some kind, we started as respite parents and, had some different kiddos in our home, as a background is basically like, babysitting kind of, for foster parents. foster parents to, watch their kids for a weekend or whatever, comes up we were helping, some families in that way and then, to our surprise, got pregnant. we felt called into foster parenting and then, we are pregnant. So trying to navigate that. but very quickly, you know, obviously very excited to be pregnant and, by God's grace able to conceive, quicker than expected. we stepped away from foster parenting and realized like, okay, God, like you're placing us to, be biological parents. And, you know, I don't know what comes in the season. we don't have any other children, but we're trusting you that whatever you want from us. we just wanna walk in what you want for us. One of my close friends had children and she told me that a doula is super important. being a nurse myself, I feel like I am slightly educated, but in more of a negative sense, almost like, you know, too much about the negative parts of birth or, pregnancy, I think I had some more negative thoughts, rega regarding that, that led to some like further anxiety, in that. I reached out to one of my friends. She talked about having a doula and, very quickly I grew to have an amazing relationship with you, Natalie, and, really felt that trust I really saw the importance of having a Christian doula and how important that was for me I wanted to have that encouragement. not just in oh, you got this, but encouragement of truth from the Lord, through scriptures and, another, Christian sister to encourage me through, a big momentous part in my life. we were very excited for that. I wanted to do all the things I could to prepare for birth, and I had a vision for, natural unmedicated, birth obviously it was my first kid, so I had no idea what to expect but, I really wanted to, probably more for selfish reasons, just to say I did this, I'm a physically active person. I felt like I wanted almost like a medal to myself. Not for anyone else, but just to myself of like, oh, I did this by my own strength in a way, even though it's totally not, but if I'm honest, I feel like that's kind of what it was. I really tried to focus on, Accommodating my workouts to pregnancy and making sure that I was able to, prepare my body right, do what I could, to just be healthy. I think I had seen so many, things as a nurse. I wasn't an OB nurse, but we took care of some critically, postpartum patients in the ICU. So I had seen some negative things of like, you know, it's important to take care of your health as best as we can. I was really focusing on workouts and eating healthy and, I felt good from that. Honestly, I didn't have a lot of, pregnancy symptoms that was just overwhelming. I felt like exercise was like my friend through pregnancy to help my body feel good. I had, family that had dealt with, miscarriage in the past, which, influenced my, anxiety related to pregnancy. I think just listening to the lies of the enemy of like, this is gonna be your story too. Like, it's inevitable, you know, listening to the what ifs of that by God's grace, Abigail had a healthy pregnancy, and. Birth. as we were leading up to the birth, I'm trying to remember Abigail's because it was a bit ago,

Natalie: 6:27

yeah. Let's dive into that birth experience. It sounds like, you had done all of the preparation, in all the different ways So let's get into what that first birth experience was like with Abigail.

Caroline: 6:39

I was three days past my due date, so I was 40 and three. and I felt like I was very much like, oh, she's gonna come on her due date, as every first time mom, is expectant of, but you know, it's an estimate and I really appreciated having a doula that I wouldn't be discouraged, going past my due date and how it's more of an estimate, just all the different things leading up to, laboring and how laboring is usually longer, in that first time experience. and just kind of knowing these things and having a doula alongside me was, Priceless. it was amazing. I remember we were walking through Publix. It was a Monday night. Getting Publix subs for dinner. I remember having more intense cramping. I was like, okay, maybe this is something. I remember texting you talking through counting the contractions I had a little contraction time app but they didn't seem to follow much of a pattern. It was kind of all over the place. I was like, okay, this could be a long time. So we were at public walking around and my husband Dan actually has a funny picture of me, looking very serious. I'm in pajamas, and we're checking out I was having a contraction it was, the start of early labor. we went home and, I just wasn't very hungry trying to get some rest, at home. I remember we were hanging out on the couch and I had this constant nagging back pain it didn't feel like cramps in the front. It was just like a constant ache, right at my lower back. And it would get more intense through the, contractions as I know them now. I knew through, doula support that it's best to rest in this early period and relax. I tried to get sleep and it wasn't going away. started around 8:00 PM and closer to midnight I was like, this back pain is just nagging. Like if this is early labor, this is very annoying and it hurts. as the, contractions would become more timely around this time, it kind of started to have more of a pattern. So went in the shower and relax in the shower I'm one of those people, you know, if you take a shower, I can feel relaxed and comfy. So I was like, okay, maybe then I'll be able to asleep. So I, was relaxing in the shower and it just got more intense. persisted where I couldn't even sit down. it was this constant back ache that quite literally felt like a knife in my lower back. it got more and more progressively intense with each contraction. I was like, okay, this is. Probably something, but I don't know how long this is gonna last, this is very painful. I remember it was probably around 2:00 AM I was on all fours, on my couch. I remember waking my husband Dan up and being like, Hey, I think this is progressing into something. so I'm gonna call Natalie. I remember calling you and having that calm. Assurance of okay, this is the next step. we'll get through, every next step of the process. I just felt very calm in that time, even though it was trying to breathe through the contractions and the breath work really helped, through that pain. But, you know, constantly on all fours was like my only comfortable position. I remember talking to you, on the phone and I think you could hear me breathing through a contraction and you were like, okay, I think I know where we're at in this time. after some time, we all decided to go to the hospital we got in the car and went towards the hospital. the road we were taking. Has been under construction and still under construction, and I've had two children but, um,

Natalie: 10:35

is Jacksonville for you.

Caroline: 10:38

yeah, that road, you know, a bumpy road under construction. I could barely sit down from the back pain, back labor as I now know what it is, I thought that was labor and I was like, I know this is supposed to be hard, but man, this is hard. When I got there, I felt like I was in some haze we checked in, they checked me I remember I could only on my hands and knees and, they want you to lay on your back so they can put all the things around you. I remember being like, I can't, the contractions were just so constant on my back. felt like I was sitting on a knife in my low back. hands to knees was definitely a lot more comfortable I really wanted to do the, labor tub and, be in the water because, during early labor, water's always been more of a relaxing experience. I remember ahead of time, thankfully having a doula talking through my desires for what I would want. but in those moments, the pain was unbearable I remember. basically begging for an epidural because the pain was so intense and I felt like I couldn't have any relief. we tried different alternative methods like, a TENS unit. And I remember being like, I literally feel nothing. And you're like, it's on the highest setting, and the pain just felt like it wouldn't touch it. honestly, the tens unit, for me. I remember begging for an epidural just because it was so unbearable. later to find out that, it was back labor and she was. sitting right on my spine, the entire labor. I'm grateful for. doula support in that, for you to remind me of that truth of like, we can only prepare so much for birth. There's so many unknowns. but how, the Lord knows what's gonna happen. And, we can trust in his plan for our birth. I had an interesting experience with, the epidural I felt relief from the epidural on one side. Eventually, I had full numbness and was able to finally take, a nap. it had been, I don't even know how many hours, until I was able to sleep.'cause I hadn't slept prior in early labor. I couldn't rest at all, after having the epidural and, doing its job. I was able to rest, take a nap and I woke up. I believe my water broke and I was fully, dilated. in my mind I'm like, okay, it's go time. It should be very quick by now. Looking back, it was like four hours of pushing and then finally met our little girl. the most joyous moment, The pushing stage was a long time was face up, sunny side up and her hand, I don't know the terms for that,

Natalie: 13:39

Compound presentation. So she was working against you in all the ways she had, not only was she turned the wrong way where her spine was closer to your spine. Sunny side up, or posterior, or however you wanna say that. And then, had her hand up next to her, which just increases the surface area more. And I love that you were like, and we met our little girl and I'm like, Caroline, you need to give yourself some more grace. She was a big girl. And so you just, you had it all kind of working against you in that pushing phase. wasn't it close to five hours of pushing?

Caroline: 14:11

I think so. I think they said, if it had gone on longer, they probably would've stopped and thought about a c-section.

Natalie: 14:18

I think you were progressing. And I think that's the only way that providers will allow you to get to that four hour plus mark is if you're progressing it's the mamas that are pushing for all that time and there's no change in babies movement. Like they're not actually coming down. so yeah, it, it certainly was a long pushing phase, especially for a first time mom. you had everything working against you, and yet the Lord was still just continuing to provide, provide you with just a supernatural strength at that point. to be able to continue a vaginal delivery after everything that had happened,

Caroline: 14:57

For sure. Yeah, she was a big girl. She was nine pounds. when she was born, it was an amazing joyous time for us.

Natalie: 15:06

Yeah. And, the joy of being able to hold her immediately after such a long pushing phase like that, it is so worth it. Can you share more about what it was like in the postpartum time with Abigail? obviously being able to enjoy her immediately postpartum and then going into that first year.

Caroline: 15:27

The initial, holding her, it's the most joy, the most tangible way I feel a mom can feel. just the love of a child, how we're able to experience things like that in this life and how we can feel god's love in that. walking in that and just being a mom and how much we love our children, but how much the Lord loves us, infinitely more, postpartum with Abigail, I had a successful breastfeeding journey with her. and I'm grateful I was able to do that but then, we had a lot of trials of her being sick in different ways through daycare. we were getting sick and it felt like this constant cycle of sickness and that was hard, but, just a very challenging year in that way. but it was the most joyous time connecting with Dan our. New daughter Abigail, and learning the newness of parenting and working as a team, in our marriage. honestly, it felt like a lot of it came so natural for us. praise God that I have the husband I have, he is the most supportive, loving, caring husband and he seeks to serve, in every, avenue. He is just the most, servant minded man, honestly. a lot of that came so easily it felt like the breastfeeding and parenting and, it was just so joyous. And then, She was about nine months old. all of a sudden my supply started disappearing I was very worried and anxious about how am I gonna feed my baby? then I had a friend be like. Are you pregnant? And I was like, what? I don't think so. And then she's like, you should probably take the test. So I, took a pregnancy test and it was very positive I was shocked to, be pregnant again and, busy with a nine month old. it was so sweet, and we were immediately overjoyed, for more children. and just grateful, that the Lord would bless us with more children. my supply completely disappeared and that was why. I some people can tandem feed I had only known of that. But, we did supplement with Formula and I felt like a failure for not being able to support her and, the baby growing in me. there was definitely a time to grieve, that aspect, to supplement. and not that that's wrong, it's just different and not what I envisioned, at that time. it was only a few months until she was one. And, she took two, you know, solid foods and all that really quickly. it wasn't as big of a deal as it felt to me, but still valid in grieving that time,

Natalie: 18:25

Yeah. Well, before we hop into Noah's, pregnancy and birth story I wanted to point out a couple things I love about your story you went into your pregnancies with preparation desires and hopes that were good. Like it wasn't like it was a bad desire to wanna go on medicated. It wasn't a bad desire to wanna breastfeed for that first full year, but that. For circumstances outside of your control. That's not what the Lord had for your story. allowing yourself to grieve that is perfectly normal healthy it's good to grieve the path we wanted to go down, but that was just not what the Lord had for us. But then to also not be angry with the Lord and say Like, why didn't you allow me that? and that your heart was very much, Allowing yourself to feel all the things, but then to turn your heart away from just being sucked down the feelings vortex and to turn your attention to the goodness of God, even when it wasn't the plan that you had for your birth and your postpartum. that's your heart and that's such a beautiful thing that I just want to encourage you in, because that's what life is all about, we all have plans and expectations because we think we know what's best for us, but the Lord never withholds anything that was absolutely necessary for us. you are always going to be given the things that he had for you. no one can take those things away. if that's what the Lord had for you. And so being able to rest in that. is huge. just wanted to interject that But anyway, side tangent there, let's hop into your pregnancy with Noah and, his birth story.

Caroline: 20:08

my pregnancy with, Noah, we found out we were having a boy. we were just. Over the moon, to have a boy and a girl. honestly, pregnancy felt like it went by so fast, because having a little toddler running around, that exhaustion, being pregnant and, taking care of a toddler. but it just, you know, very sweet. And, I think also through, my pregnancy with Noah, I wasn't able to exercise as much as, I had in the past I found other ways to, work out, and take care of myself. I took walks every day and that was a really awesome time I would pray over Abigail, pray over Noah as I was, pregnant I felt like the Lord used that space. A very sweet time that the Lord used to teach me. and walk with me through whatever I was feeling, whatever anxiety was going on for me. I definitely had, anxiety at different points, I would say it was more like fearful thoughts about different things. a lot of my pregnancy with Noah, I tried to just submit, different plans and, preparations I had, with being pregnant with him, and preparing for labor, preparing for birth. As I learned with my pregnancy with Abigail, there's so much unknown and in life in general there's so much we have no control over. instead of sitting in that fear, I tried to just submit it to the Lord. lay it again, at his feet. any fears or, worries I had for the day or for the future? with Abigail's sickness and walking through that with her being in daycare, we were looking for different opportunities. the work schedule I had and her being in daycare at that time. Just didn't feel like it was working well for us. I found an amazing job, and, we were able to take her out of daycare, and use, a nanny at home during a crossover period, before Danny came home from work. it just worked out so much better for her health at this point I was nearing labor. and I had a lot of prodromal labor just a lot of times when we thought I was going to go into labor, a lot of my, anxieties and fears I had, in preparing as a first time mom was completely different. I feel like the second time around you're just so busy, with the toddler whether that's a good thing to, not relish in the fears of what ifs. as a second time mom, you're just so busy, and just doing the different visits and I felt like my OB visits just felt so close together we really almost took the labor time. I had a lot of prodromal labor and, with my experience with back labor, I think I was just expected that was gonna happen again. because I wasn't really sure what position he was in I was trying to do different, things like spinning babies to, have him be in an optimal position. I was 39 weeks exactly to the day, when Noah was born. everything went so much faster, than when I had experienced before. I remember I had a, I. OB visit that day, and I was practicing on the, birth ball and doing some, stretches, exercises, but not pushing it too much.'cause I was like, you know, in my mind I'm like, oh, this is really early.'cause Abigail went post. So I was like, oh, this is really early. Like, totally not expecting, him to come at that point. We tried to have something fun for dinner. so we had chilies. The pulled pork quesadilla is amazing. If you haven't tried it, maybe it's just a pregnancy craving. I wasn't really hungry again. So I was like, huh, maybe this is just another prodromal labor thing. Not gonna put too much thought into it. Just gonna try to keep. Going about my day. it kept coming with more consistency. almost a pattern which was not the case, during labor with Abigail for a long time. So, I was like, huh, maybe this is something, not really sure, but what I have to do is vacuum my house. That was like my, for some reason I had to get that done. I didn't want a messy house for any family taking care of Abigail So that was my priority, I guess, in the moment. I had to vacuum the house, I was vacuuming and, it just kind of felt this constant. Cramp, that had a progression, like a wave-like pattern. Like it would come and then for a second it kinda make me stop and stand there for a minute and then it would just go away. I didn't wanna get my hopes up a really long labor with Abigail and a hard labor. I didn't. Want to put too much thought into what was to come and honestly trying to trust in the Lord and just walking through that wave of, contraction. and then I just had some kind of feeling that like, okay, maybe this is more than. What I'm thinking. And then having a doula was also awesome at this point. still having you as my doula, was awesome for, having a second child I don't know all the things and everything is still unpredictable, that having a doula again to walk with a whole different birth experience was super monumental for me. and especially with all the prodromal labor that I didn't have the first time around. Just having someone to talk through, who knows the ins and outs of. what I'm experiencing and can put language to it was super helpful so, I felt things were coming at more of a consistent consistency. So we talked through it and, felt that it might be a good idea to go to the hospital I told Dan, he was playing outside in the backyard with Abigail, he gave her the quickest bath and got her ready for bed because, I told him we probably would need to be going to the hospital soon. I was trying to relax and watching a baking show this time was different, I could lay in bed and try to relax through it. versus the back labor, I felt like I couldn't even sit down, so that was very frustrating for me. but this time I could actually like rest, which was very helpful, and so then we went to the hospital and I got checked I was. five or six centimeters along. further than I felt at the time, laboring was just different, this time around. So of felt like a lot of unknowns in that just because it was different feelings and sensations than I had with, back labor the first time, I still desired that, unmedicated experience, but I wasn't holding as tightly to that plan so. Was laboring and, wanted to use the labor tub if possible. water is such a relaxing experience for me, so I wanted to, incorporate that into my labor. I didn't really know how much time had passed we were using the different methods like the TENS unit and, different things like that. The positioning, this is when I felt having doula support in my birth was. amazing for me, positioning can change your birth experience. I felt there was a lot of hope in the birth experience with Noah because, My doula being able to position me in a different way completely changed my, ability to cope with that type of pain. and this time around, I held more closely to my, worship playlist through, the contractions and the songs that I had prayed. and listened to through pregnancy. really using that to help cope through the pain. still a painful experience that as women we're. Experiencing because of the fall. But, the Lord doesn't just leave us there in that and how he, you know, walks with us through every step labor. I feel like it was like four hours later. and, didn't know how close we were, but I wanted to try using the labor tub. so I got in the labor tub. Probably had a contraction and they were like, okay, you're about to have him let us know, so we need to get you out of the tub. And I quickly felt that he was coming. we went, back into a different position out of the tub, and had. Him so fast, me and Dan just looked at each other in shock after Noah was born. because, was just such a different experience. We talked through that later and just how, highly anticipated and long of a laborer. It was the first time around with Abigail, we just. Cried and sobbed when she was finally born because we were just like, you Jesus. Like finally, she's here.'cause it was such a long process through the pushing and things like that. but with Noah it was so quick. I feel like in the moment I felt almost bad that I didn't have the same. Reaction as I did with Abigail, but it was just so fast that I felt like I didn't really have time to think about, waiting and waiting for the next point. He was there to experience that unmedicated experience. I think holding more loosely to, that plan just helped me enjoy that process more. and so I had that unmedicated experience and just initially tried to start the breastfeeding and, Do similar things I did with Abigail to start that journey. my postpartum experience with Noah, was honestly, a whirlwind it felt like a moment by moment. Just walking through a dark area. You're just walking through like darkness and just trying to take step by step. And the Lord was leading me, like hold my hand through this next step. And it's just complete darkness. And that's kind of all I can it as as you're just like walking and just trying to like trust in the Lord for your next step. Honestly. here I am Almost six months, postpartum. two under two and that. very sweet. with Abigail, you know, being a big sister and her stepping in that role is just the sweetest thing. but there's been a lot of valleys in this time.

Natalie Portman: 31:34

It's really wild, when you have one birth experience and postpartum experience. Then are met with a completely different birth and postpartum experience. It almost feels like, in some ways it's a first time, like you're a first time mom, because they were so different. Looking back on both experiences and where you're at right now, what is the biggest lesson the Lord is showing you or has been showing you? Reflecting on both journeys.

Caroline: 32:09

Yeah, I feel like through the. Different postpartum experiences. I've definitely felt that, the Lord was teaching me how he's my shepherd. and really just walking with him in many unknowns, had a lot of grief in this postpartum time. a really close friend passing away. and you know what's already emotional? experience, walking through grief in that, and having postpartum anxiety was a really dark experience. But I was reminded of, How we can await heaven and, this is not the end of this life. I don't live without hope. one of my close friends who passed away, was also a believer. I can have that hope and peace in knowing that, she's with him. and I don't have to fear

Natalie Portman: 33:08

that's a huge lesson that. loss grief and death teach you, I love that the Lord has been showing himself as a shepherd through that pointing you to the greater hope that's ahead not only this life, but in the next that. To live as Christ and to die is still gain. And that is a unique hope that we get to clinging to as believers. Like I really don't understand how people can walk through life without the Lord, especially loss and grief we don't grieve as others grieve because we have a solid hope. And I think that's such a powerful message and lesson that the Lord's revealing to you that I know will speak to. So many other mamas I need to remind myself of it again. we just get really caught up in the day to day. there are certainly times where the motherhood journey, the birth journey, all of the things can be so beautiful and so wonderful, and then in the same day, or, quickly in the next moment, you feel the total opposite. Of that and reconciling just like that dichotomy of positive and negative and highs and lows, can feel so jarring. Like, I don't know if it feels like that for you. but to just feel like you're on a rollercoaster at times. but that's not the end of it Just because we're feeling like all the things doesn't mean it's always gonna feel so chaotic and hectic because we do know the Lord is fully and finely sovereign over everything that happens and just getting to clinging to a hope that is so much greater than us, and so much greater than our own strength the plans that we could, fathom for ourselves, he is so much more and so much better than we could ask, think, or imagine and the way he writes our stories, all things are working for our good in his glory and, we get to rest in that, Even if we don't see that or feel that.

Caroline: 35:09

Yeah, felt like a verse. been really helpful that I've been clinging to in this time. Psalm 1, 19 50 is, this is my comfort and my affliction. Your promise gives me life. and just how, we can comfort and hope in him regardless of circumstances and lift our eyes above the circumstance. and trust him'cause he is, powerful than our circumstances, and how we can just lift our eyes and trust him regardless of what's swirling around. definitely a difficult, postpartum experience and a different breastfeeding journey, than what I anticipated. But he is constant and he has never changed.

Natalie Portman: 35:58

Amen. thank you Caroline for sharing that and hopefully I'll have you on here soon. Again, thanks so much again.

Caroline: 36:07

Thank you so Thank you so much.