23. She Prepared for an Unmedicated Birth But Got a C-Section—What God Revealed Through Loss & A Medical Miracle

In this episode, I'm sitting down with my dear friend Gracie Clowe—a mama who prepared her heart, mind, and body for an unmedicated birth, only to find herself on an operating table for an unplanned C-section. But that's just the beginning of her story.

Gracie's journey is one of confusion, surrender, heartbreak, and ultimately, miraculous revelation. After feeling clearly called by God to pursue a natural birth, she did everything—acupuncture, an ECV, even playing music on her belly—to get her breech baby to flip. But her daughter wouldn't budge. The C-section felt like a contradiction to everything she thought God had told her to prepare for.

Then, just before her daughter's first birthday, Gracie discovered she was pregnant again—only to lose the baby weeks later. What followed was a traumatic miscarriage, an emergency surgery, and a shocking medical discovery: Gracie has two fully formed uteruses. Suddenly, all the pieces came together. Her daughter never flipped because she couldn't—and the fact that she grew full-term was nothing short of a miracle.

Whether you've had a birth plan fall apart, walked through pregnancy loss, or simply wrestled with God's timing and purposes, this conversation will meet you right where you are. Gracie's story is a beautiful reminder that God sees what we cannot, and His plans—even when confusing—are always for our good and His glory.

In this episode, we talk about:

🌸 How Gracie felt God calling her to an unmedicated birth—and what happened when it didn't go as planned

 💔 Walking through miscarriage, sepsis, and the grief of losing a baby

 🙏 Meeting God as Comforter in suffering and learning to trust His sovereignty

 🩺 The shocking medical discovery that explained everything—and revealed God's hand in her story all along

 👶 What her current pregnancy looks like and how she's surrendering week by week

 ✝️ The beauty of sacrificial motherhood and how it reflects the love of Christ

Scripture Shared:
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." – John 16:33 (NIV)

Connect with Gracie:
Instagram: @gracie.clowe

Mentioned in this episode:
✨ Christian Mama Birth Prep Library - Free birth prep tools, worship playlists & more

✝️ Online Christian Childbirth Education - Explore my complete birth preparation self-paced course

💛 Work with Me 1:1 - Personalized pregnancy and birth support that integrates faith and evidence-based care, including virtual coaching, doula support, and comprehensive childbirth education

If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend.

Let's keep choosing faith over fear, one birth story at a time. Go here for the full blog post, show notes, and all resources mentioned!

Transcript

Natalie Portman: 0:45

Hey there, mama. I'm so excited to introduce you to today's guest, Gracie Clowe. Gracie is a faithful follower of Jesus and Mama, who's currently in such a sweet season of life. She's got a toddler running around and she's expecting another one this fall. She also serves as a student ministry associate at the Church of Eleven22 working with high schoolers. Gracie has such a beautiful story about surrendering to God's plan and motherhood, especially when things don't go the way we expect them to. She's walked through the experience of preparing for an unmedicated birth, doing all the research and prep work, but then needing to shift to a planned C-section, and God used that experience. To teach her about trust and surrender in ways she never expected. I think you're really gonna connect with her heart and her story, especially if you've had a birth plan that went totally differently than you'd hoped. Gracie, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.

Gracie Clowe: 1:42

Thanks for having me.

Natalie Portman: 1:44

excited, and I forgot to mention I was your doula for the first time that you gave birth. So really, really exciting and you're such a dear friend to me. So super excited to have you on. So let's start from the very beginning. What was your journey like to becoming pregnant that first time?

Gracie Clowe: 2:02

Honestly my husband and I decided a couple years into marriage that we were ready to start having kids and they both come from, I don't come from a huge family, but from, I have two sisters and my husband has four siblings. And so we just knew pretty soon we wanted to have kids. We wanted to have kids young because we wanted to spend as much time as we could with them. And so, yeah, honestly. Like getting pregnant? Well, that part of our, our story was, was pretty easy. We were really blessed. We, just kind of started trying one time and, then I found out I was pregnant. And I know it's not a lot of people's stories, but there's definitely been hard parts of our journey, but that part was really a blessing from the Lord. And yeah, I, I kind of know I was pregnant. I could like tell, there's there were signs. There were signs that I was pregnant. And I woke up one early or one early morning to go to work. And it was like 5:00 AM My husband was still sleeping. And I took a test and I found out I was pregnant and I went in and like told him that he was still sleeping. It was like 5:00 AM and he like opened his eyes and was like, so groggy. And he was like, oh my gosh, that's exciting. And then he literally just fell back to sleep. Just fell right back to sleep. And I was like, okay, this is great. This is, this is how it's gonna go. And so obviously he was excited later that day once we reconnected. But yeah, yeah, that was really a a blessing. But yeah, it was pretty, it was pretty simple, easy for us to get pregnant. Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 3:23

I love that. I know it's, it's one of those things like, it's a hard part of. When you have that desire in your heart to wanna start trying for a baby, and you have to temper those expectations of like, I have no idea if this is gonna take a really, really long time. Like if that's gonna be my story, or if we will get pregnant right away. And you kind of have to prepare for both scenarios in some ways. But what a blessing that you guys were able to, you know, get pregnant so quickly. That's awesome.

Gracie Clowe: 3:52

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 3:52

then, now tell me about your pregnancy overall. How did you prepare, like in all the ways, emotionally, spiritually, physically to, you know, to prepare for the birth experience you were hoping to have?

Gracie Clowe: 4:04

Yeah. Yeah. Early on in my pregnancy, I felt like I had heard the Lord like be really clear to me that. me to pursue an unmedicated birth, and I didn't know what that meant. I didn't have really any experience. I had no, obviously no experience with birth. I didn't really know much about it. And my, like, one of my struggles, my whole life had just been like running from pain. I don't like pain. I don't, I try to numb pain. I try to not feel pain. And so pretty soon into it I felt like the Lord was inviting me to do something really scary, which was like, I had never thought that of an option. I was definitely a more like natural minded person, but I had always thought like. Giving birth would be so horrible. Why would I not get an epidural or something, you know? And yeah, the Lord just convicted my heart to try to be flexible and see what he would have for me in that. And so I didn't know what to, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to start, but I didn't know you. And so he's like Natalie, I need help. And I needed a doula. I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. And so, I mean, I think physically and and that like preparing for birth physically, I. I met with you and I just tried to turn my body to prepare, to give birth and to have my baby. And I mean, that, that whole process was, it was great. I feel like I learned so much. I feel like I learned so much about my body and like what it's able to do and, yeah, being pregnant was, it's not like my favorite thing in the world. I think some women love being pregnant. I love being pregnant because I get to carry my child, but that's pretty much it. I just, yeah, I, I usually feel pretty sick the first trimester and I just feel so like, lacking of energy and so I don't, I don't necessarily love it, but emotionally and spiritually I think that first time it was, it was really. like, like a game changer for me to just experience like what, what was possible in my body physically. And also just to know like that God is creating a new human being in me. And so I think there was so much like growth in that season. For me just getting through the Lord and a new side of him as creator. I must say, I know he created me and he creates the things around me, but to like watch him and experience him create a life inside of me was really, really beautiful. So I think, I think my pregnancy with my daughter it was like a mixed bag. It was tough sometimes, and sometimes it was really beautiful and sometimes it was hard and sometimes it was easy. And so it was just i with the course of in like almost 10 months, you know, there's so much you experience in between days in and out of all that. But yeah. Yeah, being pregnant is, it's a sacrifice that like, I think. I was under the impression of like, I'm gonna become a parent once I have my baby. You know? But like so soon in being pregnant, you just experience the depths of sacrifice for your child, you know, like from being sick and from being uncomfortable and from being tired. That like the art of sacrificing yourself on behalf of someone else. Which I really think is like the bulk of being a parent. Starts like from the second you find out that you're pregnant. And so yeah, I think that part was really special, but yeah. Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 6:54

No, I love that you're drawing that out because it's so true when you, even like from the moment you have. Like what we're saying, that desire in your heart to become a parent, there is a level of vulnerability there that. If it doesn't happen right away or if it does happen right away, it's like immediately things are shifting in your world and it's a time of just giving that to the Lord. Whether that, you know, is a very rocky season with a lot of heartache and disappointment or if that's filled with a lot of joy, like the Lord really does draw us to himself through blessing and breaking

Gracie Clowe: 7:31

Mm.

Natalie Portman: 7:32

It's a kind of a mixed bag, like you're saying. It's kind of a mixed bag, this whole motherhood journey. And unfortunately, you know, I think for, for most women there is some level of breaking in that. And, but it's not a sign that the Lord has abandoned you. It's not a sign that he's not faithful to you. Even the fact that like childbirth for most women, not all, but for most women, is extremely painful, is. Again, not a sign that like, oh, we just need to like avoid all pain because pain equals bad like that. I don't agree with that at all. I think pain can sometimes be an invitation for us to go to the Lord and say like, I don't know what to do with this. Like, okay, straight talk a couple like minutes ago screaming at Ellie because we are having a bad day today. Like we are, both me and Ellie are both having a bad day today and I can choose to be like. This whole day is ruined because of these fights that we're having today. And clearly there's something wrong with me as a mom and just everything is broken and everything is screwed up and I just don't wanna be a part of this anymore. Like, I can so easily go to that. But then as I was doing dishes and preparing to get on this interview with you, I was just like, the Lord was just like, Natalie, just bring this all to me. Like, you can, you can bring all your crap to me. Like I can handle that and, and you can go to the Lord and say like, this stuff that I'm going through is not my favorite.

Gracie Clowe: 8:52

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 8:52

I don't like being pregnant. Sometimes it is really hard and this, the level of sacrifice is sometimes it feels like too much. But he is so faithful, even when we are not in a place where we can even like. See that or receive that or perceive that, you know,

Gracie Clowe: 9:11

Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 9:12

so yeah. Thank you for sharing that. That's beautiful. So now let's shift a little bit more into like your birth story. And you know, obviously we are, we're talking about how you were preparing for this unmedicated birth experience, but then you found out that there were some things going on. You needed a scheduled C-section, which obviously was so different from what you were planning and expecting, but can you walk us through how that all unfolded and then how you were feeling during that time?

Gracie Clowe: 9:43

Yeah. Yeah, so up until this point I feel like I've kinda explained like, yeah, I was entering into maybe my second trimester and I was just figuring out all the things of being pregnant and starting to get really excited to have our baby and getting Cloweser to giving birth and. I went to this point, there was no issues. There was nothing that was like, concerning or anything. And yeah, as we got maybe to like late twenties, early thirties, like 20 like weeks of being pregnant. You know, my doctor was just letting me know, like, your baby's breach and you, plenty of time to turn. They usually turn by, you know, X amount of weeks and I had plenty of time to go. And so yeah, I was, I was like, that's fine, no worries. Like, I'm sure this will happen. And you know, I think people have different experiences with, with having a breached baby, but like my OB was. Was like set on the idea. And, and I really trusted them in this, that like I was gonna have a breach baby that I wouldn't deliver vaginally. I would have a C-section. And so, but I was just convinced at that point that she was gonna flip and everything was gonna be fine. And so I started to do all the things that would get her to turn eastern, Western, like whatever it was. Like I was laying on an ironing board on my couch, upside down and like on my bed, like I remember one of my closest friends and I shared an office at work. In the middle of the work day. I would like get on my swivel chair and flip upside down and like do the whole, and she would like hold my legs up. For me. It was the whole end of every day, like we were just trying all the methods. I. Like did acupuncture and all sorts of different things, like seriously every end of the spectrum to try to get her to flip. Things that everyone said worked. I was playing music on the bottom of my stomach to think maybe I should replace it. Like it was just like, sometimes you think back on it, like it was a little silly, but I was like, I got to the point where I was starting to get a little bit desperate. And yeah, at that point maybe we were in the early thirties and she still hadn't flipped and they're checking every appointment and so. Yeah. The next thing I could do was go into the hospital and try to have them turn her and what they called an ECV, so like an external cephalic version I think it's called. So they're doing a version to try to move her manually. Natalie was there with me and. Yeah, that usually was like a last ditch effort to try to get the baby to flip. And, and my doctor had said that they had had really, really great success with it. And so I was just went in. I didn't even realize really what I was getting into, but they offered me an epidural for that process too. And I was like, well, this might be a little more serious than I think, but I was like, no, I think I can, I can handle it. I'm gonna start practicing all the things I'm trying to put into practice anyways with the breathing and body and the trust and all that kinda stuff. And so. Yeah, we got into it and I just like up and there was my, my OB and my, my OB doctor and my midwife were both fully on me trying to like maneuver my baby down, like head down. And it was very painful which I just didn't expect. But I mean, yeah, it was very painful and. And it didn't work. And so she started, we tried to move her and she wouldn't move. And like remember, like there looking down and like I could see her whole body like formed on my stomach'cause of how they were trying to move her. And, she wasn't, she wasn't budging. And she started to go into like a state of stress. Her heart rate started to rise and they just told me like, this isn't probably the safest decision anymore to try to pursue this. And so you can take the next couple of weeks and keep doing your things and see if she'll flip. But we don't really think this is the best choice for her safety and for yours. And so, that was like my last ditch effort I think. I mean, I tried, I continued trying all of the silly things too after that. But I really gotta to the point of a couple weeks out, maybe 37 weeks, where they told me like, I think your only option at this point is to have a c-section. And yeah, I think by that point I had kind of started to come around to the idea that like. She wasn't going to move. I mean, it's like we had tried everything and it hadn't, hadn't worked. But I will say, like I was, I was definitely really confused. I was confused because I felt like the Lord was the one who had told me like, and invited me into like a specific kind of birth that he wanted me to have. and he was the one who could be in control in this moment. And so if he wanted me to have that kind of birth and he had the control to move her, ability to move her. Like why, why wasn't he, why wasn't he doing it? It was, it was confusing. And yeah, it was just, yeah, I think confusing is the best way to describe it. Like I wasn't necessarily upset. I was just like, God, why'd you leave me down this road to then. fulfill what you had me like prepare for. yeah, so I ended up, I ended up getting to 39 weeks and had our daughter via a C-section and it was great. Honestly, it wasn't, wasn't, I wasn't horrible and I think I was just telling my ob just a few weeks ago when I was talking to her,'cause I'm, I'm obviously I'm pregnant now. And she was saying like, everyone who tells her they had a c-section just says how horrible it was and how they don't wanna do it again. To be honest, like I, I'm not sure. I, I would never, to be honest, I would say like I would try to have a VBAC in the future and I'm, I'm going to try, but my experience of having a c-section really wasn't like, horrible. It obviously wasn't more that I had planned, but it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't horrible and it was what God had was, it was what he had planned for me in that time. And looking back now, there was, there was things that I had no idea, I had no idea what caused this. I now. No, the reason as to why all this happened physically, which I can get into later, but like, was, there was physical reasons as to why she couldn't move. And I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know. And so yeah, I ended up having a C-section and it was good. And it was, it was tough in some ways. My, my OB. It's really awesome and they provide like what they call a gentle C-section. And so I was able to have like my preferences met and honored and I was able to have a very like, peaceful experience. The, or is definitely like not peaceful in general. It's really scary and just like sterile and bright. But they, you know, dim the lights and let you play music and let you hold your baby when she came out and see her when she comes out. And so I think it was as good as it could have gone. Yeah, it definitely was not what I had planned and it definitely was not what I felt like the Lord had led me to pursue. But it was what he decided what was best for me. And so what happened and it was great and it was what gave me, gave me and my husband, our daughter safely and hopefully, and that's all I could really ask for. So, yeah.

Natalie Portman: 15:39

Yeah, I, your C-section was honestly like one of my favorites in that you could just feel the Lord's presence there. I remember the song that Marcy was born to was No one ever. Loved me like Jesus. And I just remember that being such a beautiful song that she was born to that because it is true. Like as much as we love our children, the Lord loves them so much more. And even that song playing was you surrendering to the Lord, like literally your arms are stretched side to side. Like Jesus on the cross, and he's just like, I am totally surrendered to your plan. Lord, this didn't look the way I thought. The disciples when Jesus was being crucified and died on the cross were like, what The actual crap is happening right now? This is not at all what we expected. Not at all what we had prepared for, and that's what the Lord had allowed. And I think when we. Are in a season like that where we are so utterly confused why the Lord allowed certain things to happen, it's because sometimes this side of glory, but sometimes not, we will not see the full story and we will not understand why certain things happened. But no, I really am so, I'm so excited for you to share the kind of backstory behind why Marcy wasn't flipping, because this, your, this like blows my mind. So please share all of the things pertaining to that'cause this is so insane.

Gracie Clowe: 17:03

Yeah. Marcy was born and she was incredible. We love her so much. Right before her first birthday my husband and I actually found out we were pregnant again for a second time. And this was a big surprise. We. I was not trying, we were not trying. And we, yeah, we had no, we had no idea. But I found out I was pregnant and, you know, this would be the second time around. And so we, we were stoked, we were excited, we knew what to expect. And yeah, a couple we had known, we were pregnant for two weeks and right around Thanksgiving we lost the baby. And so yeah, well we found out, we knew around Thanksgiving and then around on, actually on our daughter's first birthday in early December, almost when we lost the baby. And it was, yeah, it was really horrible. It was. I think one of the most, like unique I've ever, like, pains and, and grief I've ever experienced. Obviously like I believe that life begins at conception. And so I believe like, and know that we had a, we had a baby and you know, we don't know if they were a boy or girl and we don't know what their life would've looked like. But we had a baby and, and they didn't make it, you know, it's pretty unexplainable. yeah, in that process there's so much there. But in that process, the Lord just like really, really spoke to me and I think. Yeah, I, I, I would never wish, I would never wish that on my, on myself or my story. But what, what the Lord showed me about himself in that season was, was irreplaceable. I, I, up until this point have never really suffered or experienced like any form of suffering beyond like, know, like the normal everyday things. And this grief, like, and this pain was, it was seriously, I think one of the worst things I've ever gone through. Physically like the pain of it and. The loss of dreams and hopes and yeah, just the grief of losing, of losing your child. yeah, it was unexplainable, but in the midst of suffering, I, I encounter the Lord. And I'm really convinced that like our purpose here on Earth is is to know who God is, is to know him and to know who he is. I think like the Westminster Catechism says this line of like, what is the chief in demand? It's to worship, it's to glorify God and to enjoy him forever. And so like to enjoy God is, is to know him. I think all the things we experience, whether good or bad, allow us to know who God is and know different attributes and characteristics of him and to enjoy him. That's why he made us, is so that he, we could, we could enjoy him and we could love him and he could love us. And yeah. This is one of the things that I went through that. Yeah, I don't necessarily know how to reconcile, like how God's shoes is gonna like suffering on our behalf, but I do know that he allowed this to happen that he is the only giver and take care of life from con, from conception to your point earlier, like people that try and control everything and they still can't conceive and have a baby, but they control their whole, like, I have friends who, like, they've done everything, you know, they, they've tried to control every piece and they still can't get pregnant. To like being a mom now, and I can control the environment so much for my daughter, but at the end of the day, I can't control her life. Like there's such a, like a key piece of being a parent that you learn like you have really no control and God is the giver and taker of life. And in this instance, like, God, God, he gave us life and then he took it away and in taking it away, yeah, I came to know him as comforter in a way that I don't think I would've ever known him before. It was like, I, been, I fall, I've been following Jesus since I was a little girl. And so yeah, there's different seasons where I come to know the Lord deeper, but this season I think was like, it was like I was meeting him again for the first time in a new way. It was completely, was just completely unlike anything else. And. Amidst my suffering is like where I became united to Christ. I'm became united to Christ and his suffering and in his pain. And like he tells us like in this world, you will have trouble in this world. You will be like me, like I suffered, you will suffer. And but like in the suffering is where we find him. That's where he is, is in it, is in the suffering with us. The suffering servant is who Christ is. And and I met him there as comforter and it, and it changed my life. It would change the way I view him and see him and walk alongside others, I think forever. And it doesn't excuse or like take away the pain of it all, but was really a, it was really just a deepening season of my life in general. And so, with all of that, obviously we lost our baby and it was, it was really, it was really horrible. I ended up having a pretty traumatic physically like miscarriage. I, I miscarried the baby at like six weeks and then maybe like eight to 10 weeks post. Or like eight to 10 weeks of when I would've been pregnant. So a few weeks after I miscarried I, it was the holiday season and it was hard to get into the hospital and do all the things and appointments and stuff, you know, just miss them with holidays and, and I I still had like, remained in things like tissues that was left in my body and I ended up going septic actually, and it was, yeah, it was horrible. I, I woke up one night in excruciating pain. I thought I had pretty much passed. The whole horrible physical part of the process of losing her baby. And I woke up in extreme pain with a fever and a headache, and I thought like, I think I have an infection. These are the signs of infection. So my husband rush me to the hospital yeah, I was going septic, and it was like, it was very scary. I obviously didn't really know what that meant. And I had an emergency DNC and in my DNC is where. we figured out like a really key part of my body that I had never known about. And like I said, like this season was so sad and so hard in so many ways. But honestly, like this part of the surgery I think was, as I, I start to explain it, like you'll know, but I think it was just like a little bit of a gift of like humor from the Lord to me. Like I just started to, once I found out like what was going on, it was like, wow, this is. Crazy. And so yeah, I had my surgery. My doctor was incredible, and I was coming out of anesthesia and I mean, I'm seriously, like, I'm laying there. I'm I'm like fresh out of anesthesia. And my doctor, she's like, I can tell, she's like, happy, right? And so I'm not, why is she happy right now? Like this, this is not like a fun surgery. And she looks at me and she's like, we know. we know, like we just discovered something that we didn't know that you had. And I, I skipped apart, but in one of my appointments post losing our Baby are one of my, like the person who was doing my scan noticed it, like thought there was like some sort of lining in my uterus, separating it into two. And so had told me they were gonna look out for that in the surgery, they might remove it or whatever. And I, I didn't really think of it as that big of a deal. So in, in my surgery, my, ob my doctor as, as she's waking up my anesthesia, tells me that she has discovered that there's no lining in my uterus. But in fact, I just have two fully separate formed uterus in my body, which is like, that's why I say it's like I, it was like a humorous gift from the Lord.'cause there was nothing fun about the season at all. it was like, for a moment I was just able to like laugh. Like, what are you talking about? Like, that is crazy. I, I mean this formed in me when I was in utero myself, like when I was a baby. And so I've had this my whole life my whole last pregnancy and we never noticed it. It was never noticeable. and yeah. And so, that was obviously really crazy. Since then, I've like met most multiple women who have the same thing, which is crazy. And yeah, all that to be said, like through the pain and the heartbreak and the physical, like trauma of the, of the steps that like all of that the Lord like allowed me to start to piece together. So much of my story all in one, which was like, I was so concerned when I was, when I was telling Marcy, why isn't she flipping? Why isn't she turning? Why doesn't she have enough space? And at this point I was able to realize, like uterus was pretty much, well, there's two of them, but they're pretty much like size as they should be. And so what, what was like. I thought was a problem as to why she wouldn't turn, actually was like a full blown miracle that my, that my first daughter, Marcy, like even grew full term because she was in a space that was like very small. She, she obviously had enough space to grow. She was, came out and she was like a, a perfect size, but she didn't have enough room in there to flip whatsoever. And I just remember thinking it like flashing back to like when they were doing the. The procedure to, to try to turn her and like, they were trying to move her. And it wasn't like she was like, not budging. It was like she literally couldn't move. Like she couldn't, she couldn't locate relocate anywhere else. And so, I think I, there was no reason as to why I, I shouldn't, the lord didn't owe me an explanation for all of that. But in learning about my body, it, it answered that question of like, oh, she's actually, like, it's actually a miracle that she grew in here perfectly fine. And there was nothing wrong with her at all. And I had no idea. Like I had no idea the whole time. And it just taught me so much of like, what, I think I know what's best, like God sees and God sees, God sees it all he sees. saw everything. He knew exactly what was right and what was best, and he wasn't confused as to why she was, wasn't moving the way I was confused as to why she wasn't.'cause he could see it all and he knew it all and he was in control. And, and he was doing what was best for me and what was best for her. And so, yeah, I have two uterus now, which is like my fun fact. Anytime anyone wants to know anything, as long as they're not bothered by it being maybe TMI, it's a fun fact for sure. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm fine. I'm obviously pregnant again now. We'll see what happens, but I mean, with my birth, but so that's a fun fact. And yeah, I mean, we just figured out it on the back end of like some really hard loss. But yeah, it all kind of comes together in a weird little bow.

Natalie Portman: 26:31

When you told me you had two uterus, I was like, I'm sorry, did I read that right? Like, I think you texted me and I was like. You what? I was so confused. I was like, I had never heard of that before. And then like, it wasn't you and like the OB were like joking, like you could have two sets of twins, but like in each, you know, uterus and like, just the, the crazy possibilities of like, or just having two babies, one in each uterus. I mean, it's.

Gracie Clowe: 26:58

Yes.

Natalie Portman: 27:00

the things that could happen in your body, but you know, so gracious that the Lord had it in your story to kind of shed some light on why maybe that happened is just insane that yeah, you're right. Like he doesn't owe us an explanation. He doesn't, he, he is. He is so perfect in his plans. And it's almost like when you're trying to explain to your child like, okay, we're gonna do this, that, and the other. And they're like, why are we doing this? And you're like, it, there's too much for me to even get into why we're doing this the way that we're doing it. And, and I feel like when we have that childlike faith with the Lord of like. I would love to know all the answers. Like that's definitely my personality. Like I wanna know all the answers. I wanna know the why, I wanna know the how, I wanna know all those things. But when we get to a place of not feeling like we need to control the outcomes, and we are truly operating in faith with the Lord of, you know, I don't have to know all these things, but I wholeheartedly trust. That you have this taken care of. It does usher in such a sweet season and such a peace that comes over you because you don't feel like you need to have it all figured out to make the right decisions or, you know, do whatever you had planned to do with your plans. So, yeah, such a, such a wild twist in all of this story, but thank you for sharing that.

Gracie Clowe: 28:25

Yeah,

Natalie Portman: 28:26

then with this pregnancy that you currently have, what's been going on with that baby? Is it like, do you even know the gender yet or are you guys waiting?

Gracie Clowe: 28:32

it's a girl. Yeah, we're having another girl.

Natalie Portman: 28:34

Another girl. That's right. You told me this. So what are y'all, like, what's she doing this time? Is she, she's in the same uterus. You told me this. She's in the same uterus that Marcy was in.

Gracie Clowe: 28:44

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is. Yeah. And we are just gonna take it week by week, to be honest. My doctors told me like, there's a chance that I could have a be back and there's a chance that it could be the same exact way that what happened with Marcy. And so. Basically there's like a shorter amount of amount of time in the size of my uterus for a baby to flip. So like my doctor would normally say like, maybe around 35 weeks, baby's gonna probably have moved, or 38 or whatever the case is. Maybe around like 30 weeks is probably around like when, when our, my baby will probably stay in the same place just because of the size. And so yeah, if it get to that, if we get to that point and she happens to be head down. Then she probably won't be able to move. Course, she'll be stuck that way. So she'll probably stay head down and we'll try to have a VBAC. but if she happens to be head up, then she'll probably stay head up and I'll hop in another C-section. And so it really is just kind of like a. by week, like see what happens. She's definitely active and moving around in there and it's really crazy now that I know this, like I can see her on my right side of my stomach. I can feel her on the right side of my stomach. I remember when I was pregnant with, with her daughter Marcy, like my friends at, at my baby shower actually was like. Your, your stomach is only to the right. And I was like, yeah, I, I, I know that and I don't know why, but it's only to the, like, she and I was like, yeah, that's true. I thought it was just,'cause I knew she was breached at that point. I thought maybe that's where her head was. But it was literally just like my whole right side of my stomach was like the bigger part. And so now that I know it, it's funny. I can like see that, like that's where she is, is she's on the right side. We'll just kind of take it week by week and see what happens. And it's really, yeah, it's really freeing to me now to know, like, whatever happens is great. I mean, I've had a c-section before and so if that, if that's my story again, then that'll be it. And I'll, I'll go, I'll go with it and I will, I. completely trust the Lord in it. I, I know why, right? Like, I, it would actually, like, that is what makes sense to me now. I think to have a, have a VBAC and try for it would be really exciting. I, I think I'd like to give an, an, like a, I'd like to give it a, a chance, you know, an option if I, if I can. I don't know why, like I would ever pass that up if it was a possibility. But yeah, at this point we're just kind of taking week, week by week and seeing what happens.

Natalie Portman: 30:51

I love it. Well, and I even think of the verse the word is a lamp into my feet and a light into my path. And the, the thing that we want most. Is that like headlight, that's like shining the whole path down for us. But that's not what, what the, Lord's word is for us. His word is like what you're saying, just step by step, week by week, just seeing what he has for you. Because if we, if we knew the whole story, we probably would screw it up, you know, if we knew all that the Lord had planned for our life. We would royally mess it up. And it's his grace that he allows us to, you know, just step by step, be following him and walking into the promises and the, the beautiful things he has for us. And, and if you are a believer, then you truly in your deep down in your soul get to have this feeling of, you know. Everything that's happening in my life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the unexpected, the unexplainable, all of that is working for my good and ultimately his glory. And when you get to group all those experiences under that umbrella, it makes it so much easier to walk in faith then in fear, which is most of our tendency to do so. But I love that you're and, and just another thing that I just love about you in general is like, your faith for the Lord is so genuine. And so to be able to kind of watch you from the, you know, outside in going through all of this, like going through the pregnancy with Marcy and the unexpected twists and turns of having, you know, the plan C-section and then, you know, you were keeping me in the loop like right when you found out you were pregnant again and the loss and like all that. And just to see. The Lord's Cloweseness to you in this season has just been so beautiful because I know it's, it's genuine. Like I know that the Lord truly is with you and that you love him so much in spite of all the things that have happened. So just throwing that out there.

Gracie Clowe: 32:54

you.

Natalie Portman: 32:54

But let's actually back up just a little bit. So. Back to Marcy. So walk through what that postpartum season was like. I know we kind of skipped over it a little bit, but, but give a little bit of context to what that was like transitioning to being a mama for the first time and breastfeeding and just all the things. How was that season?

Gracie Clowe: 33:13

Yeah, I mean, I think back to what I said in the beginning, like being a mom, being a parent as, I mean, I'm sure this is the case for dads too, is like. the most sacrificial thing I've ever done. And those first few weeks were like so hard. The exhaustion and recovering from, I think, the major surgery and figuring out yeah, how to breastfeed, how to take care of a child, how to, like, literally just all of it is brand new. And so, yeah, when I think back to that season, I, I have so much like. Grace for myself that I probably didn't have then. I was just scared and anxious about a lot of things and exhausted, I think the, the word I think of just exhausted. I was exhausted. And I think, and I can say that'cause that's just like the shared common experience of being postpartum is when you were just exhausted. but it was so, it was so beautiful. I, I'm like excited to have another baby because I think the biggest. The biggest heart and hardest thing for me in in becoming a mom. Was that I had no idea what to do. And I'm sure, and I know like all of our kids will be different and they'll present unique challenges. But I know, like I'm confident we can, we can have a baby, we can take care of her, we can we can love her and yeah, you just, you just feel so much pressure that you don't really know what to do with at least that was the case for me. But looking forward to the future now I'm like, I, be okay. You know, like, you just feel like you feel so overwhelmed by it all. And in the midst of it, there's so much joy and so much love and so much excitement. And so yeah, I, I remember one, like a couple of memories that like really shaped that time for me. Was I, I. I remember one night I was awake in the middle of the night, and this was a few weeks in, you know, at some point I let my husband off the hook and was like, you should just sleep. Like he was trying to help me for a long time and change the diapers and stuff. But at some point, like when you're breastfeeding, you're just like, you just go to bed, you know, like, how much is gonna be here? Do my thing. You just go to bed. And so I was just sitting there and it was like 3:00 AM in the morning and I was exhausted and I was tired and, I was, yeah, I was just in a, in like a, a, a weak moment and I just remember texting one of my friends who had had a baby maybe two months before I did. And so I knew she was probably still up at the same time as me. I just remember texting her and being like, I, I just feel so alone. Like, those are the times in the night where like you feel like you're the only person, like there's no one else with you. You're the only one doing this. Like there's no one else. Yes, your husband gets it, but in a very unique way. Like there's no one else who in that moment that feels exactly what it feels like to be the mom of this child. And she just texted me this thing that like transformed the way I think about. The way I thought in that season. The way I really think about, like, honestly every part of my, of my motherhood now, which is too, is like, hey, you feel like you're alone. But the truth is, is there's like thousands of mothers all across the world in this moment that are probably feeding their child the same exact time that you are. And they're, they're, maybe they're alone in their room, but like you are now a part of this thing that is so much larger than you. That there's moms Yeah. Here in our city and our country and across the world that are like. this moment, sacrificing themselves on behalf of their children. And whether that's like in the first few weeks of being postpartum or up until this point with our year, like your daughter's year, year and a half. And there's moments where there's really hard, hard times too. And I think, wait, like I'm not, I'm not the only one who's experienced it before. You know, the women that came before me, the moms that came before me, the ones that will come after. It's just like a really beautiful it's a really beautiful and honoring like thing to be a part of. And so, yeah, I think people always, I always heard people say like, moms are superheroes, you know? And I remember like, well, just one night I was like, no, that's the the truest thing I've ever heard. Like to think like all my friends that are moms, before me, that I had no idea what they were experiencing. And now I'm like, I know what it feels like. And I literally am a superhero. Like we are superheroes for doing, for doing all this. And obviously like this as seasons change, like things. so different. Our struggles and challenges now are very different than they were then. We sleep through the night now and all those things, but, I think every season, yeah, being postpartum and every season of motherhood, there's just so much sacrifice. And to your point earlier, like I, which was so beautiful about like seeing g, like seeing myself, like lay down on the table, having a c-section about like being open and like modeling Christ from the cross, like I think that is. Such a really humbling posture as a mom, as a parent, is that you get to, you get a taste of what it feels like to sacrifice, to lay down your life for someone else. It's the hardest thing that. Think you could ever do, but it really is the most beautiful thing. Like that's what Jesus said. Jesus says, there's no greater love than this. Someone would lay down his life for his friends. And so yeah, there's, and moments of parenthood and the moments of postpartum that are really tough, they're, it's simultaneously, it's so hard and so much love. There's no greater love than that. You would lay down your life for your children. And so, yeah, yeah, it was a, it was a unique season and. Part of the thing is I kind of forget and probably like self preservation. My body just like forgets and I'm starting to remember them now as I'm like starting to prepare to have another baby. I'm like, oh my gosh, those nights for so long. But it's all, it all, it all comes in seasons, you know, like it didn't last forever. And yeah. So to answer I think the answer your question, it was, it was really, it was really fun and really, so much love and, and it was really hard all at the same time.

Natalie Portman: 38:21

That's beautiful. I, I recently saw somebody posted on Instagram and it was, it was talking about was it Mary Magdalene who poured out the ointment expensive ointment on Jesus's feet? Was it Mary Magdalene?

Gracie Clowe: 38:35

the sister of Martha, but both Mary's, yes.

Natalie Portman: 38:37

Okay. One of them, she, you know, the one who, who had a sketchy past and like all the things, but she poured out this expensive ointment on the Lord's feet and the religious people thought what a waste, like this money could have been put towards so many other things and blah, blah, blah. And, and their heart posture was so wrong. And then somebody posted, okay, so the world views motherhood. You know, I especially like, I think of like the feminine MO movement where it's like they view motherhood, you know, being a stay-at-home mom or like just really sacrificing for your children, what a waste. And the Lord says what worship, and that struck, like struck a chord with me. Not that I think like you're only a sacrificial mom if you're a stay-at-home mom, but I just think about the motherhood journey and how even we can twist the sacrifice that we're. We're giving of ourselves. Like there are days where it comes so naturally, and then days like for me today, it does not come naturally. It is, it is like ripping me to shreds from the inside out to sacrifice, you know, for my kids, but, but it is worship. It is absolutely worship. To pour ourselves out for our children, to love them, to show them the love of Christ, and to ultimately show them, you know, as much as I love you, like I've been telling Ellie this a lot lately, as much as I love you, nobody loves you like Jesus. And she's been repeating that a lot. Like I'll ask her, I'm like, Ellie, who loves you the most? And she'll say, Jesus loves me the most. I'm like, that's right.'cause I love you so much. But I, my love is so imperfect. I'm a broken, imperfect person. And she's like, yeah, I know. I'm like, girl, you know, you know I'm so imperfect. But Jesus loves you perfectly and what a beautiful thing that we get to experience that perfect love. Not in a perfect way that we expect him to love us or the way we expect him to express his love for us, but it is perfect love that we get to experience from our father and and it's beautiful to like see that in your journey as well.

Gracie Clowe: 40:38

it's good. It's so good.

Natalie Portman: 40:40

So, Gracie, your story is so beautiful and so many twists and turns. If a mama would like to connect with you and just learn more about your story or just, you know, love on you and encourage you, maybe they've experienced something similar, how could they get ahold of you and, and contact you?

Gracie Clowe: 40:56

Yeah, I mean, I, not the most, I don't really think I'm popular or famous or anything by any means, but I have a social media presence and so I think my Instagram is Gracie Clowe, which is my name. I think that maybe there's a, I can't actually remember my handle. I think it's Gracie Clowe, but you can search me up on Facebook or Instagram or you can ask Natalie for my number. Any of those things is great. I'd love to connect with anybody who wants to talk more. Yeah.

Natalie Portman: 41:17

Wonderful. Well, I appreciate you and just love your heart and love you as a dear sister and friend in Christ.

Gracie Clowe: 41:23

you too. Thank you so much.