BONUS: When You Feel Like a Failing Mom: God's Sufficient Grace in Pregnancy Struggles

In this vulnerable bonus episode, I'm sharing the hardest month of my third pregnancy—battling severe anxiety and depression while navigating morning sickness, parenting struggles, and feeling completely overwhelmed as a mom of two expecting her third baby.

This isn't the polished, faith-filled message I usually share. This is me in the trenches, feeling like I'm failing at everything—from parenting my strong-willed four-year-old to managing daily tasks while battling mental health struggles. After going off my anxiety medication when I discovered this surprise pregnancy, I found myself in the darkest place I've been in years, wondering if I was capable of raising the children God had given me.

Whether you're struggling with pregnancy anxiety, wrestling with medication decisions, or feeling like you're failing as a mom—this episode is a raw reminder that God's grace truly is sufficient in our weakest moments.

In this episode, I share: 

🤱 My honest struggle with anxiety, depression, and feeling like a failing mom 

💊 The difficult decision to go back on medication (Zoloft) during pregnancy 🙏 How my community rallied around me in my darkest moment 

✨ Finding a Christian counselor and the importance of professional support 

💕 Why "people, prayers, and pills" became my lifeline through this season

Scripture Shared: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." – 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)

Mentioned in this episode: 

📖 "Jesus and Your Mental Health" - book mentioned by Rebecca Maxwell, LMFT

✨ Christian Mama Birth Prep Library - Free birth prep tools, cervical ripening methods, worship playlists & more 

📱 "Not By My Strength" 30-day devotional - A faith-focused devotional designed specifically for pregnancy.

📚 Childbirth Education Course - Learn the stages of labor, comfort measures, and labor positions all with a faith-focus!

💛 Work with Me 1:1 - Personalized pregnancy and birth support that integrates faith and evidence-based care, including virtual coaching, doula support, and comprehensive childbirth education. 

📸 Follow me on Instagram @faitoverfearbirthdoula

If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a friend who might need to hear she's not alone in her struggles.

Let's keep choosing faith over fear, even in our darkest seasons.

Transcript

0:00

Hey there, mama. Thanks so much for joining me on Faith Over Fear, the Christian Pregnancy and Birth podcast. I am Natalie Portman. I'm the host of this podcast, and in case you have missed the last month or so I have been taking a little bit of a break as I have been navigating my first trimester of my third pregnancy, and I wanted to actually, instead of releasing just another episode, I wanted to pause and release this bonus episode as a way to just recap this last month. And honestly, I have really debated whether or not to share what all has been going on this last month because it's been really difficult for me. But I have just, been through a lot and I really wanted to share my heart with you so that it might be an encouragement to you, maybe not in this particular season that you're in, but maybe one that you'll be walking into one day and the Lord has been just showing me a lot through two Corinthians 12, nine, and it says, but he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. And that's really been where I've been at because I have just felt like in, in such a place of weakness, this first trimester has been extremely difficult on my physical body, just feeling so nauseous and so tired and really unmotivated. Honestly, just every single task from just taking care of my kids to work has been really hard for me lately in this first trimester. And another huge part in all this struggle has just been mental illness. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression and that's been really hard to walk through. I. I've had a couple seasons of anxiety and depression in my life. It started in college and then has, I've had maybe a handful of just really strong seasons of mental health illness. And I, as a Christian, it's hard to categorize that because you. Are like, you just want to be well in your mind with, you wanna honor the Lord with all your strength with all your mind, with all your soul. And I just have felt so weak in my mind that when I am having parenting issues, Ellie's at a, she's four and she's just at such an age where. She's constantly testing me and Brian, and she's so smart and she's so strong-willed, and those are beautiful things. But at the same time, it's been really hard for me to learn how to navigate this parenting season, and it's made me feel so insufficient and as like such a failure as a mom to then be pregnant again with a third and feeling like. I don't know what in the world I'm gonna do when I then have three children that I'm trying to parent. And Daniel's getting to the age, he's one and a half now, and he's, getting into his, showing of his strong will, which is again, not a bad thing, but whenever I feel so weak to be able to just carry out the, just day to day, getting her to school, taking care of Daniel. Just all the things. It's just been really hard for me and I. I have constantly over the last handful of your couple years especially have felt just the enemy, really attack me with things like, you're such a bad mom. Who do you think you are to be pregnant again? Who do you think you are to raise these children? And obviously when I say that out loud, it's very evident to me that is the enemy. But when I'm in a dark m. Mental place. That feels true. It feels really true to me that I am such a horrible mom that I don't know who I am to think that I should be speaking words into anybody because I am so imperfect but then the Holy Spirit, comes in and is just of course you're not perfect. Of course, you are weak to do all the things that I've called you to in and of yourself. And so that's why I wanted to share this bonus episode as just an encouragement to you. If you've ever been in that spot of feeling completely ill-equipped for what the Lord has called you into. And to just remind you, as I am constantly needing to remind myself in this season that the Lord's grace is sufficient and his power is going to shine in our weakness. And I get to boast not in my accomplishments, in my feelings that. I am enough, but I get to boast in the Lord that he has already done it all for me. And and there's a level of giving that over to him on a momentary basis. Like it's so much more than even daily, like it's momentary where I give that to him and I say, this is all I've got, Lord. And I know that you're gonna do more with this because it's for your glory that I'm doing these things rather than I'm gonna do this perfectly because this will say something about me and this will be a reflection on me. And that's really hard for me. I, that, that's not my default to go there. I. I really struggle, I guess with my pride in how my performance informs how I feel about myself, because I feel like if I'm not doing things correctly, perfectly for my family, for the business, that I'm running for the podcast, then I am letting not only myself down, but other people, and then ultimately letting the Lord down and all those things are not true. When I really think about it. So anyway, all of that kind of opener to say yeah, I really debated whether or not to share all this with you, especially if you're a client of mine, if you're working with me right now. Because I didn't wanna make my struggles a burden on you as you're navigating this season yourself and many of you probably are, going through your own stuff. So I didn't want to lay this on you. But at the same time, just as a sister in Christ, I did feel like the Lord was calling me to do that. Just to, be really transparent and that if you have this illusion that I am. Just, this wonderful faith-filled person all the time like that is so not true. I really struggle. And I need to be reminded of the gospel. I need to be reminded of the Lord's. Provision and his faithfulness in my life, just every single moment of every day because I so easily forget it. And I default into going into, I need to make this work mode. And that is anti gospels. That is me trying to earn a righteousness that I could never earn. And yeah, just wanted to lay the foundation there. Yeah, so over the last month or so just been dealing with some really intense anxiety and depression. I've had just personally a really hard year. A lot of death in my family and, with a friend of mine just recently lost her newborn and it's just been a lot for me to just navigate this grief in my own heart and watch other people go through it. I have also recently watched someone close to me go through a suicide attempt and that has completely shaken me to my core, watching that person go through that, and it's made me realize. How capable we are to do, to carry out darkness when our mind is gripped with with darkness. So I've just struggled in this season to know. The depth of what I'm capable of. And there were just a couple nights recently where I was going to bed and feeling like darkness might like literally swallow me up, that the voices of condemnation were so strong for me. That I might I thought I might actually die. And I don't know if you've ever had a dark night of the soul like that. But it's terrifying. It is absolutely terrifying to lay your head down and be like, Lord, I don't even know if I can wake up from this because it feels so deep and dark, and. I pray you've never felt that, but if you have, like I have been there and I realized that night that I cannot do this on my own. And so I wanted to share with you some of the things that the Lord has put in my life and just to encourage you to maybe seek out these things as well in your own life if you're currently struggling with that, if you know someone who's struggling with that or just to keep this in your back pocket in case you run into this season yourself. But the first was getting people in my life to. Be aware that I was struggling the way that I was. And so the night that I was feeling that way, I was talking with Brian about it. But I was in such a bad mental place. Like it wasn't like I was just sharing these things. But I did not feel. I did not feel ready or prepared to like, turn from that, if that makes sense. The next morning I woke up and I immediately texted my mom and my sisters and my disciple group, the ladies in my disciple group, and I just told them like, Hey, I am not okay. I just kinda shared some of the stuff, like just feeling this really deep darkness in my mind. These are some of the things I'm hearing. These are some of the things I'm feeling. Will you just please be praying for me? And the response that I got was just overwhelming. The words of encouragement that I received, the. The prayers, just the number of women that were saying, I'm on my knees right now, praying for you, Natalie just overwhelmed me. And I also knew that I didn't need to be alone that day. And so I called my mom and I said, Hey, can I come over after I drop Ellie off at school? And so Daniel and I went and just hung out at her house. So I just wasn't alone. And we talked a little bit and I was like, I need to today. Book a counseling session. And so I by the grace of God, my midwife suggested a counselor to me. So I reached out to her office and like just asked point blank Hey, is there anyone who is a Christian counselor? And and so I found a Christian counselor. Who does virtual visits so that I can, do the virtual visits when the kids are sleeping napping during the day. And also wanted somebody who accepted my insurance. And so by the grace of God, found this counselor that met all three of those virtual Christian and accepted my insurance for those sessions, and I booked a session with her that afternoon. And that was such a blessing to be able to just open up to somebody. When I was in a very raw place and had been meeting with her weekly since then. And just the improvement that's happened with that has been just such a blessing. So that was a big piece, was reaching out to my community, reaching out to a counselor. And then, my disciple group was, they were just, were so sweet. Not only with words of encouragement, but also one of the ladies made us. A dinner and another one came and dropped it off and just hung out at our house. And just those just small things seemed so, so big to me and just made me realize I am not alone in this. And many of them also just opened up about the places that they have been. In their mental health over the years. And that just was such an encouragement to me because I think that's one of the things that the enemy does is he makes you feel like you are the only one going through. Whatever you're going through, and it is so not true. I, man, I wish I had the verse in front of me, but it talks about how Jesus had been tempted in every way as us, and he knows on a human level, every struggle. That we've dealt with, and how beautiful is that? To know that the Lord, who basically only knew the perfect love of the Father and of the Holy Spirit and the glory that is due him in heaven. Came to earth and just experienced the brokenness in every possible way. But especially in just like the mental, emotional ways that we experience brokenness here, that he is familiar with that and he empathizes with us in that. That was a really beautiful thing to, to come across in scripture And then another thing that, this kind of segues into is just being in community with god's people, God's word. And coincidentally, my church has been going through a series of going through Elijah's life and they had an entire. Sermon dedicated to mental health, and it happened to be of course happened. The Lord is so perfect in his timing. The week that I was going through this deep darkness was the week that we were going over mental health and suicide. And we had a licensed mental, counselor come up to the pulpit and share just clinical wisdom and encouragement. And she actually wrote a book called Jesus and Your Mental Health, and I'll share that in the show notes. But that book I started reading it and just pray that, just further encourages my heart and my mind as I. Battle this, and I pray that it does the same for you. And then I went up and anticipating that was gonna be the sermon that week'cause they had been, informing us that was coming up. But I asked my disciple group ahead of time, will you come and pray for me? And just weeping, snotting mess, go up to the altar and just have so many powerful, strong men and women. Praying over me and Brian. And my former disciple group leader comes up to me and she's praying for me too. And I would love to be like, oh yeah. And then from that moment on, everything's just been perfect. Of course it has not but just what the Lord. Did in that moment was, again, solidify that I am not alone. That there are so many people that love me that see me not as perfect, not as, someone who has it all together, but someone who is broken, who wants to bring that brokenness to the Lord because I know that he is the great physician, that he is the one that will ultimately heal me this side of glory and permanently, forever. In heaven and in glory with him. And I've, I shared it in the first bonus episode where I informed everyone of the pregnancy and everything, but that the Lord has just been speaking over me. I will provide. And again, that has just been ringing true because I, I, again, have just been feeling so insufficient in and of myself. And so the Lord has just been continually reminding me. I will provide. And so that has really been an anchor in this season of darkness where I have just misplaced my trust in myself instead of placing it in the very, very capable hands of the Lord. And then another piece in all of this is considering medication. So one of the things that I was doing prior to becoming pregnant was I decided to go on an SSRI for anxiety and depression. And that had helped tremendously. I, like I mentioned we, we got pregnant unexpectedly. And so I unexpectedly felt like I, I needed to get off of that medication. And so the moment I found out I was pregnant, I reached out to my primary and just said, Hey, how can I wean off of this medication? So that took about a month to do, and as soon as that was all out of my system, that's really when my mental health started tanking. And also was about the time, like the peak morning sickness and fatigue and all that was setting in. So it was just everything was coming in, crashing down on me all at once. And so I. Reached out to my OB GYN because I established care with an ob, and then I switched to a midwife. But I, had conversations back and forth about being put on something like Zoloft, an SSRI, which has been well studied for pregnancy and breastfeeding. And long long story short, I went back and forth tirelessly, lot of tears, lot of conversations and just felt like that was gonna be the right decision for me to go on that medication. And it came with a lot of conversations too with my midwife because she had concerns about how baby would do during the delivery. There were some studies that she was reading showing how baby could potentially have a hard time breathing after the birth. And of course that gave me a lot of pause and concern. Before starting the medication, and again, after a lot of conversations with my OB and my sister who's has a nursing background, she was sending me different, yeah, just like studies and things showing, how Zoloft affects the pregnancy, the birth, the postpartum, and again, just felt like the Lord was calling me to move forward with taking the medication. And, I in general, like to avoid medication like even. Tylenol or anything like, I just I really tried to avoid medication if at all possible. And so it was a hard decision because it felt, it still feels contrary to what my normal mode is. But when I see these medications as a common grace that the Lord has given us and also as a potentially life-saving medication. I feel like it's worth it. And so that's where I felt, the Lord was leading me for this particular season. And so if you are also in that place and you're contemplating taking a medication for anxiety and depression likely Zoloft would be what would be prescribed to you because again, it's the most well studied for this kinda season. But, prayerfully consider it, talk about it with your providers with anyone you know, in your friend circle or family circle that has taken it. And I'm also willing and happy to talk with you about it too just to share my heart and insight on it. But yeah, so just, go into that. Decision with a lot of preparation and then ultimately just trust the Lord with where he's leading you. And I think for some of you that will not mean medication and for others of you that will absolutely mean medication. And just being sensitive to where the Lord is leading you specifically is my word of encouragement. When in regards to medication? Yeah, so for just a little phrase that my church uses a lot, the Lord can use people prayers and pills and in my case, we are covering all the bases. We're doing all the things right now, people, prayer and pills and, and I have definitely seen the Lord over these last couple weeks just lifting me out of this deep darkness. I. Before would feel so overcome. Overwhelmed when we would have an issue with behavior, at home with the kids or when something would just go wrong in my mind about something in the day. And I can just see how I've been able to navigate things with so much more grace, not only for. Others in my life, but for myself. And that's been one of the hardest things is just realizing how harsh I am with myself. That's something that I'm working a lot through in counseling. Is, just this inner critic that I have, if you're familiar with the Enneagram, I'm the type one. And the classic sign of the Enneagram type one is an inner critic that is there. And it's telling you, I will protect you. I am here to point out all your flaws so that no one else can hurt you, and so that you, can do well in this life. But the problem with the inner critic, is that it is so critical and so everything I do, I never feel like it's enough. I never feel like it's perfect enough. And if it is perfect enough, it is extremely fleeting feeling. And I just always feel insufficient and everything that I do and everything that I am, the way I look the way I am perceived by other people, and that is crushing. Yeah. And absolutely unattainable. And so just the journey of trying to, again, shift my self-worth away from what others think of me. And then more importantly, what I don't think of myself. There's a part that I can't remember which book. Again, I'm just like blanking on all the biblical references here. But there's a part in something that Paul wrote where he talks about how he doesn't care what. He's talking to other people, I don't care what you guys think about me, but I also, I don't think what I think about me. And when I read that, I go, wow, that's freedom, because I feel like. If I could just let myself off the mat, if I could just relinquish the, just the lies and the standards that I put on myself, man, I could be so much more free than where I am. And if that's you, if you resonate with that, I feel you, sister, because it is crushing to be put under, just these impossible standards in all aspects of your life, all the time. And so I know that is not something that comes from the Lord, that is not a a place where he wants us to be. Because it ultimately is either condemnation or pride that it leads us to. And then the Lord recently has been reminding me of just the season when. I just had Ellie and she was, a newborn and just like really young. And I remember that time and I was very happy, but there was a lot of pride in that happiness because I felt like, look at me. I did my unmedicated hospital birth. I'm breastfeeding my child she's thriving. She's so smart. Look at what all the things that I have done and I think back to that time, and I think, yeah, I was happy, but it was because of just the circumstantial situation I was in where I felt like here was my standard. I met the standard. So I am good. I am good, not. The Lord is so good because he has allowed me to. Birth my child unmedicated and in the hospital and continue to breastfeed her and look how much she's thriving. I just took so much of that responsibility on myself. And so it puffed me up with pride. And then now here I am on the other side and I look at my life and I think, I wish I was. More patient as a mom, I wish I did not have these blowups on Ellie when we, get into fights over the most ridiculous things. And I wish I was happy. I wish I fully, 1000% enjoyed every moment of being a mom and because I, I am not there. So the verdict is in, and I have failed, and so therefore I am a terrible mom and I have failed as a mom. And I hope you hear me. Like obviously I that's not right. Like both sides of those puffing myself up with pride or deflating myself with condemnation because I haven't met the standard. Like both of those are ditches that I'm falling in and trying to walk that fine line of. The Lord does give me so much grace and mercy in this life, but I cannot be fully and finely responsible for every outcome that happens in my life. There is a level of stewardship and me wanting to honor and glorify the Lord with whatever he's given me, but at the end of the day. The outcome is not fully up to me. And that's something that I have to remind myself of momentarily because I forget it instantly. Like I will tell you all this right now, and then later on today, I'm gonna forget what all that I've said right here. And I'm going to just default switch back into condemnation or pride. And it's really hard because, the problem with the living sacrifice is it keeps coming up off the altar and walks away. And so if you find yourself in that place where you're just like, I need to like, just constantly die to myself, die to the messed up, broken thinking, the thought patterns, all the things, all the ways that I have either self justified and puffed myself up with pride or. Where I just continually fail and feel like I am never enough and I'm just, I'm always just such a failure of a mom or a wife or a friend or a daughter or whatever patterns you have found in your life as I am praying this over myself, but I'm praying over you to just break those chains those just. Dark thought patterns and ways of thinking in the name of Jesus because it is, it's so dark. But anyway, all that to say, I just I'm praying for you in this season as well as I just desperately would would ask for you to pray for me as well. That the remainder of this pregnancy would not be marked by perfection in my parenting. In my health, in the birth, in all of those things, like my worth would not be in those things and those circumstantial things that are mostly out of my control, but that. I would seek the Lord and his goodness and his faithfulness, and I would seek him that I would become closer to him, that I would love him more deeply, that I would trust him more deeply and that I would realize in my heart of hearts that he is sustaining me, and I would stop. Trying to place that on myself because clearly when I do that, I crumble because I was not built for that. That is not what we were built for. And so I would love to leave this encouragement with you. I'm gonna say it again, second Corinthians 12, nine. But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. And I think one of the other beautiful things you think about the beatitudes and it says Blessed are the poor in spirit. And that's the season I felt like I've been in. I feel like I have been so poor in spirit, but that's where the Lord is like, awesome. You're empty. Let me fill you up because before, when you're, when you feel like you're full on yourself and you're full on thinking I've got this, I can do this. And it's not that the Lord is wanting you to think so poorly of yourself, that you can't get through life, but you can't get through life without him. And so I, I pray that the season you are in, I pray so fervently. In my own season right now, that the Lord would just continually show up and show out and show me how weak I am in and of myself, but that he is so much greater in my weakness. So I pray that for you as well, and I would love to just close out this episode by just speaking a prayer over you and honestly myself too. So let's go to the Lord and prayer. Father God, I want to lift up the mama who's listening right now, and she's just feeling the weight of anxiety pressing down on her chest or just darkness from depression that's just clouding her heart and her mind. Lord, you see her in the middle of the night when she can't sleep. When her mind is racing about fears about her her pregnancy, her children her marriage, or just her future, Lord, you see her. And even when she feels like she's failing everyone herself when just simple tasks feel overwhelming and she's just wondering if she's enough. Lord, I just pray that you would wrap her in your arms and remind her that she is not alone in her struggle. That you are near to the broken hearted and you have not forgotten her in this dark season. I pray that you would give her courage to reach out for help, whether that's calling on a friend or counselor, talking to a doctor or just, texting a friend. Lord, I just pray that you would help her to see that seeking support is not weakness, but it's wisdom. And Lord, I just ask that you would quiet the lies in the name of Jesus, that she is telling herself that she's not a good mom, that her children would be better off without her, that this darkness will never end. I pray that you would replace those whispers with your truth, that she is fearfully and wonderfully made and that you have. Good plans for her life and that weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. So Jesus, I just ask that even when her circumstances feel impossible, when anxiety feels like way too much to bear when depression makes everything feel like a mountain that needs to be climbed. Lord, I just pray that you would remind her that our hope is not found in ourselves. It's also not found in perfect mental health, but Lord Jesus, it is found. In you because you are perfect. And I just pray that you would help us, remind us that our hope is in what you have already done. Lord Jesus, you have already won victory over sin and death and darkness and. You have secured our future, and I just, I know that you're preparing a place for us where there will be no more tears, no more weeping, no anxiety, no depression, but until that day. Sustain her with your grace. Let your power be made perfect in her weakness. Help her to find rest, not in her own strength, but in yours. Lord Jesus, victory is hers in Jesus, and not because the battles here are over, but because the war has been won. And so I pray this all in the precious name of Jesus. Amen. So thank you for bearing with me with this bonus episode, hearing My Heart and what the Lord has been doing this last month. Really hard, dark place for me. But the Lord has just been so gracious to be faithful to pull me out of it through people and prayers and pills and I just pray that the Lord would meet you. Wherever you're at. And I love you and I'm always here for you and some of you have even reached out to me over like Instagram and different things, and I just love just your words of encouragement, how the podcast has been blessing you. And, i'm just so thankful for this community that the Lord has given me to just speak life into and that, as beautiful as this season is, obviously there's a lot of darkness that can come with this season as well. So I hope I didn't, darken your day if you were having a good day. But for those of you that are struggling or know someone who's struggling, I pray that this episode is an encouragement to you. And I'm just gonna continue to pray for you, and I would just love, love, love your prayers for me as well as I navigate this season. But we will catch up next week where I will be releasing a new episode. So I will catch you next week. Bye-bye for now.